Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Toilet, Toilet Paper

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

image for Mr. Whipple "Please, don't squeeze the Charmin" dies in Mexico of Montezuma's Revenge at age 91
Mr. Whipple failed to leave a Will behind; I guess he left before the paper work was done after all

Baja, Mexico - Known only as the nosey grocery store manager who asked generations of shoppers, "Please, don't squeeze the Charmin," Mr. Whipple was a man we hardly knew but everybody immediate recognized, even in Mexico. Like many Americans on a fixed budget, he had moved to an American retirement colony there in order to make his social security check stretch and attempt to make ends meet.

There he was treated as a celebrity, both the local population of Mexicans and his fellow American who enjoyed his antics to the very end.

"There wasn't a day in his life that people would not pass him by in the street and stores and beg him to deliver his famous one-liner to an adoring crowed of admirers," said a friend.

"It's really sad how he went," said a spokesman for the American Consulate.

Evidently, Mr. Whipple died a horrible, lonely death. As he was found in the rest room of his retirement condominium on the toilet seat, for what the local coroner estimates are for several days before he deceased. He was 91.

"He was found dead like that, reaching out to an empty roll of toilet paper," said the Mexican coroner, Jose Macarthur. "I don't know what he was thinking. Perhaps it was just force of habit, no?"

The coroner also noted the presence of several restaurant napkins and ripped up newspaper on the flood of the bathroom immediately adjacent to Mr. Whipple's dead body.

"He had gone out a couple of nights before sampling the local Mexican fare," said a fellow resident. "We waned him not to do that as he had just moved in a month earlier and his digestive system had not acclimated to the local food just yet."

However, everybody had figured that if anyone was prepared for Montezuma's Revenge it was he.

"He always boasted about his free lifetime supply of Charmin's toilet paper for all those years of being their spokesman," said a fellow resident. "But he was just talking big. There was no lifetime supply of free toilet paper."

In fact, there was no toilet paper at all. However, residents failed to piece the clues together until after the tragedy struck.

"I always used to see him talking extra napkins at the dinning table or out at the restaurants and asking us for any old newspapers. Even the ones in Spanish, but I never thought anything of it," said a friend. "Who knew he was using it for toilet paper. He was Mr. Whipple for God's sakes. That's not supposed to happen!"

Many residents said they would have gladly would have shared their toilet paper with Mr. Whipple, if they would have known. However, they guess he was just too proud to ask.

The official autopsy will not be ready for at least a week but preliminary toxicology report did confirm high levels of toxins in his blood. They warn that using anything other than toilet paper risks developing toxic shock syndrome, an often-fatal condition resulting in the buildup of poisons from the use of contaminated paper coming in contact with blood vessels of the body.

"Coupled with the massive dehydration he suffered from his bout with Montezuma's Revenge, and all that ink in his system, it's a wonder he hang on a long as he did," said Macarthur.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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