STAMFORD, CT - Creating a stir in the sports, entertainment, and sports-entertainment markets, Major League Baseball and World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. announced that they will be officially merging.
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig met with WWE CEO Vince McMahon at the WWE head offices to sign the landmark accord.
"This was an easy decision to make," said Selig. "Baseball couldn't have gotten any more boring. We needed to spice it up for next season. What better way to amp it up than to decide the World Series with a steel-cage, winner-takes-all ladder match."
"Major League Baseball players already have the hulking steroid enhanced physiques and ridiculous nicknames that we promote in the WWE," said McMahon. "It truly is a perfect match."
According to the terms of the agreement, an expansion MLB team staffed by professional wrestlers, will begin play next season.
Some MLB players will also cross-over and perform in the WWE in baseball's off-season. A-Rod is scheduled to battle Undertaker at the Thanksgiving Thrash pay-per-view event. The two will compete in a no-holds-barred ladder match, with the winner receiving a $400 million MLB contract.
Other changes to the current MLB framework include:
- All games in which the WWE team play will be scripted, with a pre-determined outcome, which should reduce the boredom of nine drawn-out innings of baseball.
- All major league team managers are to be fired and replaced with WWE sanctioned managers - scantily clad babes who have at least size DD breast implants.
- Fighting and brawling will no longer be penalized - they will be mandatory. One inning of every game will be designated as 'hardcore', where folding chairs, baseball bats, and brass knuckles can be legally used on opponents.
- Games will continue to be nine innings in duration, however, if a player can pin an opponent for a three count, his team will be immediately awarded a win.
- Steroids will be supplied to players, and breast implants will be supplied to their wives, in order to improve the 'visual aesthetic' of the game. If players' wives refuse to receive said implants, or dress in the provocative fashion preferred by the WWE, they will be fired and replaced with the WWE sanctioned managers mentioned previously.
- The traditional seventh inning stretch will be replaced with a seventh inning 'bra-and-panties' match between players' wives who meet the WWE's aesthetic standards.
The changes are set to be implemented for next season, and Major League Baseball is hoping to appeal to the WWE's more educated and sophisticated fan-base.
Following the signing of the landmark agreement, a smiling Selig and McMahon turned to face the cameras to share a symbolic handshake. Shockingly though, McMahon quickly turned heel, and punched Selig in the stomach, before delivering a devastating 'Hostile Take-over'. McMahon then proceeded to tear the newly-signed agreement to pieces and scatter it over a comatose Selig, before strutting out with his exit music blaring over the sound system.