Washington, DC (AP) - Presidential candidate and talented block of wood Fred Thompson stunned his ten followers Thursday when he went under the knife of local plastic surgeon Red Torrence in an effort to make himself physically, if not ideologically, resemble his rival candidate, Ron Paul of Texas.
Said Dr. Torrence, "The transformation was extremely difficult, but after seven hours of tension and sweat, I could have sworn that I had just cut Ron Paul's face open and not Fred Thompson's. The operation was a phenomenal success!"
Thompson recovered with extreme rapidity and was ready to reinvigorate his campaign. He appeared before a gathered crowd of supporters on Saturday following, only to realize that everyone was carrying Ron Paul signs and that their energy level was entirely inappropriate for his usual campaign stops. As soon as he introduced himself as Fred Thompson, anarchy ensued and he was forced to flee the scene amidst catcalls and derision. The crowd surged to a nearby rally for the real Ron Paul, which turned into a large event and drew massive media attention.
Thompson has not been seen since, and rumor has it that he is in hiding contemplating who he will have himself surgically tuned to resemble in the wake of this latest setback to his campaign. Many Fox News pundits expect him to ape Guiliani, though the smart money is on Hillary.