(New York) - In a dire report issued today, UN scientists predicted the complete extinction of the human race in 7 years due to global warming.
Nobel Prize winner Al Gore chimed in with, "See, I told you so. Global warming is real and it's gonna get ya. Now, maybe the world will wake up and pay more attention to global warming ... and, of course, to me, Al Gore ... or risk extinction."
A spokesperson for the extreme radical environmental group, Planet Without People, stated, "Nobody will escape. Even rich materialistic Americans will die in a blaze of global warming fury."
The UN report cited the causes of the global warming crisis to be 100% man-made, led by the proliferation of SUV's, real estate development, outdoor barbecuing, excess burping by obese people in America, and the decline of the almighty U.S. dollar. A Nobel winning scientist from Iran, Moe Hammed, added, "Global warming is America's fault. Everything is America's fault."
Conspicuously missing from the report was any mention of naturally occurring climate changes, such as those caused by solar flares, oceans, forests, animals, and other natural contributors to the earth's naturally changing climate.
Another UN spokesperson, Ima "Bull" Sheeter, issued the statement, "We dummied up the report to cause hysteria and panic. Predicting the near-term extinction of the human race scientifically is a great way for the UN to get more funding and more respect. It's not real science, it's better than real science. It's politically correct science!"
Coinciding with the release of the report, the UN gift shop is offering asbestos global warming protection suits, at a mere $12,000. Plus tax.
copyright 2007 Andrew Lawrence