Written by B. Elliot Stern
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Monday, 29 March 2004

image for Bush Administration Strikes Deal to Change Name of Convenience Store Chain
The sign you know is endangered

Washington, D.C. - The Bush Administration announced today that they have struck a deal with 7-Eleven Inc., the owner of the popular 7-11 convenience store chain to change the name of all stores to 9-11, effective immediately.

"The President feels it is important that the American people always remember the tragedy that occurred that day and what better way to keep 9-11 at the forefront of people's minds than by changing the name of an American icon like 7-11," said White House press secretary Scott McClellan. "He has been a big fan of their Slurpees, Big Bite hot dogs, and Big Gulps for many years, and wants the American people to know that despite the name change they will be able to continue to enjoy the fine food 7-11 has always been known for."

7-Eleven Inc. CEO James Keyes had mixed feelings about changing the name of the stores but after relentless pressure from the Bush Administration and threats of never-ending IRS audits & SEC investigations he felt it was the best thing to do, especially with a presidential election upon us. "The 7-11 store name is an American institution, but the fact is, we have been open 24 hours for over 35 years now, so the name has been misleading for quite some time. I don't think the new 9-11 name will confuse too many people," said Keyes.

President Bush also is looking into changing the popular green & red colors that the store is known for to red, white & blue. "There is nothing more American than a convenience store, and what better way to make that statement than with the colors of our flag throughout the store and on the uniforms of the employees," said Bush.

As part of the name change to 9-11, the Bush Administration is said to be considering the termination of all jobs held by current 7-11 employees of Arab descent. When told that this could result in the loss of over 20,000 jobs across the chain's 5,800 stores in the U.S., President Bush told a group of reporters "The war on terror must be fought on all fronts, and that includes behind the counters of our convenience stores. It's time the American people realize that these Arabs pose a threat to our freedom at home and abroad and they must be dealt with accordingly."

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