Forget about debates. NRA (Naturally Rowdy Americans) spokesman, Jeff Winchester reports that all presidential candidates are preparing to square off in a paintball game.
The game will take place in Durham in the Duke Forest next month. This will keep Democratic hopeful, John Edwards from having a "home field" advantage in Chapel Hill, organizers say. Duke Forest is also being touted as one of the best places to play paintball in the world because of its huge boulders that participants can hide behind, pine trees, other deciduous vegetation and the Eno River that used to run right through the center of it before the drought. Also, there are two of the nation's leading research hospitals nearby in case any participants get hurt.
The measure, says League of Southern Voters, spokesperson, Wilma Flintstone is out and out simple. "It's aimed at attracting more southern voters." Usually in these types of elections about a quarter of registered voters in the South even bother to vote.
"Southerners, unless they get to know candidates personally, don't trust politicians," according to Flintstone. "It's not that they don't like leadership and education. It's more the suit and tie thing. They'll never trust a man in a suit."
They're also wonderful practitioners of 'no blest, no bilge.' Compound that with southern charm and you'll get the excuse that they couldn't get away from work, or that their grandfather died.
But what's really going on according to Flintstone is that southerners are embarrassed to go to the polls because, frankly, their reading skills are deficient and they would rather not admit it to anyone.
When was it ever necessary to read the instruction manual on a 357 hemi four-stroke engine when you've been watching your father and uncle take those things apart since you were knee-high to a can of Budweiser?
Said one organizer, "We thought about having the candidates race each other in NASCAR vehicles, but that had too many liability issues. Most of the candidates have been living in cities for so long and riding in the back of limousines that they've forgotten how to drive."
Event organizers say that each candidate will be given state-of-the art weaponry (if one thing Southerner's understand, that's superior technology). Each candidate will receive one SIM-5 Ariakon Elite automatic combat rifle with a clip and 4,000 rounds of ammunition and an Overlord RX pistol with 200 rounds.
Candidates must stay within the boundaries of play at all times. Any candidate caught going outside of the boundaries will automatically be disqualified and subject to a penalty round where they face a firing squad consisting of all the rest of the participants shooting with their guns set on maximum velocity.
Any candidate caught not wearing face and body protection will also be disqualified. Southerners are big on providing mentors for teenagers and small, obstreperous children.
Also, no candidate can shoot another within 10 feet. Experience shows that hitting a player within this distance has proven to cause fights. All candidates must be considerate when selecting the level of power to shoot their guns and must turn it down when shooting at closer ranges. And, to make things really interesting, providing the ultimate in realism and potential identification for southern spectators, all participants will be required to drink a six-pack of Budweiser beer throughout the duration of the game.
"The crowd is going to absolutely love it," said Flintstone. "Violence and Budweiser go together like teenagers and backseats, or peaches on a tree."
There will be no time limit. Only when all candidates have emptied all of their rounds will the action stop. Candidates who empty their rounds before all the others, will have to remain hidden for the duration of play and finish their beer.
Participants will know that the event has begun when they start shooting at one another.
Southerners, being the betting fools that they are, are currently taking bets on the game. Odds have it that candidate McCain, because of his actual war experience and Dennis "The Menace" Kucinich, because he shorter than the rest of the candidates, and, therefore, has less of an area to hit, are 3 to 1 favorites over the others.
It couldn't be determined whether Barak Obama had any advantage over the rest because of his skin. The pine needles tend to be a little darker this time of the year and the red clay is certainly not his shade.
Ron Paul is graciously offering his medical services to anyone who needs first aid.