Written by TheOneLaw
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Topics: Ron Paul, FBI, Spam

Sunday, 11 November 2007

In a what is hailed as a first in internet regulation, the FBI has apprehended three youths for the recent wave of spam criminally supporting the campaign of Ron Paul for President. Ron Paul, previously alleged to be negligibly complicit to the crime, denied any connection according to a campaign spokesman.

In a statement issued late this afternoon an ebullient King County Prosecutor Dan Satterberg described the situation, "Although these youths have been apprehended no charges have as yet actually been filed. Instead, they are being held under enemy combatant provisions of the Patriot Act because of the nature of their offense. Due to their age, however, we cannot release their names at this time."

Satterburg responded to questions raised about whether these youths would be transferred to the Guantanamo Bay detention facilities due to the invocation of the Patriot Act provisions "No - we won't be sending them off to Gitmo. That said, however, the seriousness of their activity must be considered."

When asked about several red-shirted youths observed accompanying law enforcement in the morning raid Satterburg explained, "We would like to acknowledge the assistance of the Republican Youth campaign compliance unit which provided crucial intelligence through online espionage enabling an inter-agency operation to accomplish this feat. No further comment."

Beginning early this morning FBI agents coordinated the raid on two garages in central Seattle just outside the University District. An entire block was cordoned off and traffic was diverted for most of the day while federal agents combed the area for what one source indicated was a sophisticated ghost-networking relay patch. Although there were no official statements regarding the search itself released either by the FBI or the King County Sheriff's department, several visibly shaken neighbors tearfully related how there seemed to be some serious interest in how the spammers had used neighborhood computers to wirelessly infiltrate the nearby University network for their espionage and other crimes.

Several trucks and dozens of federal and county law enforcement personnel spent hours going house to house in a thorough search of each residence for any personal computers that may have been hijacked into the spamming operation.

Investigators with blanket warrants for the entire neighborhood block were observed carrying large amounts of what appeared to be personal computers, PS3 and even Xbox video gaming equipment. Several neighborhood children were noted to be traumatized by the loss of their computers while distraught parents watched helplessly as federal law enforcement confiscated various household items with no indication of how long the confiscation would last. Paramedics were on hand to sedate any children driven to hysteria by the unannounced confiscations. Also notable was that every house in the neighborhood had a Ron Paul sign with its unique rEVOLution logo in the yard.

Although the names of the three youths apprehended were not released it was learned that the two girls and a boy taken away by the Seattle Police SWAT team in the pre-dawn onset of the investigation were still in high school. It was later confirmed that their parents and other family members were also taken into what Sheriff's department described as 'protective custody' with no further explanations given.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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