Washington D.C. -- During a news conference today, Christian Coalition founder, Pat Robertson, endorsed Rudy Giuliani in what he characterized as the "ongoing fight against Evil."
Robertson explained, "Well, I've prayed to the Lord for months now over this very important election facing our Country next year. And with each passing day, the Lord's answer became clearer and clearer: America needs a leader that will defeat the Middle Eastern, satanic-based threats facing our nation today. That man is Rudy Giuliani."
As for the gay-pride-parade-participating, pro-abortion, cross-dressing, and twice-divorced, Republican Presidential candidate, Rudy Giuliani, the endorsement from God's right-hand man was quite an accomplishment for the campaign. "[Pat Robertson's] confidence in me means a lot. His experience and advice will be a great asset to me and my campaign," Giuliani beamed with pride at the press conference.
However, after the news conference, many Christians were left shaking their collective heads wondering, "How in God's name did we get here?" Another astonished onlooker accidentally wondered aloud, "what the fuck?"
Indeed, for many the endorsement seemed to contradict everything Pat Robertson has stood for over his many years as a Christian leader. "Hey wait just a cotton pickin' minute here!" exclaimed one highly confused 700-club member. "I thought the gays, and the lesbians, and the feminists, and the abortionists, and the adulterers, and the Pagans -- all of that crap -- I thought they were the ones ultimately responsible for our current situation with radical Islamacists! If Giuliani doesn't fit into that group -- man, I don't even know who does anymore! I think my head is about to explode!"
Yet, other 700-club members were claiming to see the light. "Oh, I get it!" exclaimed another life-long Christian. "God is pitting Satan against himself -- see?! It seems so simple now! Only God could be that brilliant! Praise the Lord!"
But not all agreed with that take on things. "If you asked me, I think he's lost his damned mind," mused an overweight plumber guy with half his crack showing. "Whatever it takes for him to stay relevant so as to keep that money pouring in -- that's what 'God' wants Pat Robertson to do."