Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Food

Thursday, 8 November 2007

image for U.K.'s "Fresh & Easy" grocery chain to join the likes of Mexico's "Bimbo" bakery and America's "Oscos" drug stores in the Southwest
"Fresh & Easy" in So. Cal; will it change Americas eating habits or just another store to pickup more than food?

Hemit, California - Touted as well researched for several years before investing its first chain of grocery stores in the U.S., Tesco's "Fresh & Easy" opened its doors today to a block buster line of single man responding to the grand opening advertisements believing it the latest bordello boasting of the youthfulness and promiscuity of its prostitutes. Police made several arrests when it was discovered a number of the men lacked proper under garment support attire beneath their trench coats.

"Its most unfortunate that they didn't some of that time researching the colloquialisms of Americana," said Linguist, Bryan Stokes. "Now they got to contend with all those horny single males wondering their grocery aisles propositioning their female patrons for illegal elicit sex."

The British owned grocery chain has already been flooded with complaints by young women being sexual harassed and propositioned for sex while shopping.

It is rumored that famous California based feminist attorney, Gloria Allred, is preparing a class action against "Fresh & Easy" for the allegations of sexual harassment of its female patrons, but her office refused to comment citing pending litigation.

"We will try the best we can to help stop it," said Police Officer, Mark Sanchez. "But it will be difficult as the word is already on the streets that 'Fresh & Easy' is the place to turn a cheep trick and pickup, oh sorry, surprisingly reasonably priced, high quality fruits and vegetables."

According to the police, soliciting sexual favors for money has not been this bad since Mexico opened up its "Bimbo" Bakery goods.

"I don't even want to tell you what they did to the donuts and bagels,' said Officer Sanchez. "Let's just say they weren't so fresh afterwards, though apparently they were easy."

"Fresh & Easy" grocer, Ben Dales, has is hands full not with just the fruits and vegetables but many of his customers that often gather around the passion fruit stand taking bites of the fruit without paying for them believing it to be an aphrodisiac before running off to the medical supplies aisle hand-in-hand.

"I really feel sorry for the chemist [pharmacist]," said Dales. "He gets to see the worst of it. He's tried everything to stop them. Even moving the condoms behind the counter but that just slows them down a bit before they go at it even more aggressively then normally."

"They should change their name now," advised a former executive of "Oscos" drug stores that took over "Sav-Ons" chain of drug stores in the late 1980s. "We failed to listen to the marketing division who waned us we would fail if we used our East coast name, which means gross in Spanish, but we just didn't listen until it was almost too late."

The chain quickly learned this when sales begin to drop among its many Hispanic and Anglo customer who knew what it meant. The chain quickly changed back to "Sav-Ons" and recovered.

"It's not all bad," said Dale. "Why just the other day we had a couple tie the knot here at the store. Yeah, I even got to give the bride way and walked her down the aisle, somewhere between juices and canned soups."

Later, they all tied one off in the liquor department and had the reception in the deli department before stopping off at the pharmacist.

"They wanted to ask him his first name," said Dale. "So they could name their first born child after him, if it's a boy. Otherwise, its after the wife's favorite cashier."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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