Washinton, DC (AP) - In a monumental signing statement today, President Bush authorized the use of thumbscrews during "enhanced interrogations" by CIA and other US agents.
The move was loudly applauded by most of Congress and 80% of Fox News pundits.
The disapproval from Fox centered around the fact that the Iron Maiden will not be added to the list of "acceptable interrogation techniques," prompting Sean Hannity to rant, "Even though I love thumbscrews, the President has not gone far enough. Only the Iron Maiden can extract the kind of actionable intelligence we need in a post-9/11 world."
Over the next two weeks, thousands of thumbscrews will be shipped to CIA field agents around the globe for distribution to Moroccan interrogators and other men without names for immediate use upon "detainees, al-queadas, and enemy combatants," according to a press release from the Administration.
Said Senator Harry Reid (D-NV), "This is a great day for America and Americans. At last we'll be able to get clean, untainted information from the dangerous extremists we are currently not admitting to holding at this time. I mean, if you used thumbscrews on me, I'd tell you whatever the hell you wanted to hear, but waterboarding is for sissies. Your average terrorist can keep their secrets on the board, but they'll sing like a canary once you screw their thumbs into the armrest of the chair they're strapped in."
Upon signing the executive order, the President attended a cocktail party with a number of corporate and media leaders, who lauded him for his brave decision to up the ante in the interrogation game. Bill O'Reilly, mouth full of canapes, was in particularly good spirits, and bragged that before the week was out, he would invite some extremists onto his show for the express purpose of having the CIA nab them and render them to Afghanistan where they would get up-close and personal with the newly authorized technique, televising the whole thing. He expects ratings to go through the roof.