Cloverdale, Michigan - Charlie Rome, an obese Michigan man, was seen transporting a large volume of food across a busy Cloverdale street last week. It was unclear why the corpulent Mr. Rome would require additional food, since his bloated body already carried enough stored fat to easily sustain him for months.
"Everybody has to eat," said Brian Epstein, a local store owner who sold Mr. Rome his meal on wheels, "even fat people."
Upon further investigation by The Spoof, it was uncovered that Mr. Epstein's store, The aptly named "Piggly-Wiggly," goes out of it's way to encourage it's shoppers to gorge themselves by accepting food stamps (a.k.a. "lazy money") and offering special discounts on products near their expiration date.
When asked why he would sell nearly-expired food to people so near their own expiration dates, Mr. Epstein angrily replied, "Take a hike."
Good advice. But apparently, this story was bigger than we first thought. So we sought even better advice from our frequent medical contributor, Dr. Sanja Gupta. We asked him the question still burning in our minds; "Do fat people really need to eat? Don't they already carry enough food around on their bodies to feed a small army?"
"People aren't bears," he replied, "we don't hibernate, and so we need to replace the calories we burn up everyday."
We asked, "But aren't you just making excuses for them? I mean they - are - so - fat!"
The confused Doctor Gupta offered no reply. And for Piggly Wiggly store owner Brian Epstein, Dr. Gupta's silence is all the permission he needs, to continue to sell high calorie foods to America's fatsos.
As we drove out of Cloverdale, we spotted the obese man and his shopping cart, Charlie Rome, who was still slowly making his way home, occasionally stopping to clutch his chest and breathe in ragged gulps of air.
Perhaps this painful exercise will teach Mr. Rome, that for fatty like him, "eating" just isn't worth all the hassle.