Written by King David
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Topics: America, Steps

Wednesday, 31 October 2007

image for Jesuits to install glory holes in confessionals; not exactly "dick in the box"
These choir members will be in for a surprise when they go into Father McGuire's confessional

Jesuit leaders responsible for over 350 North America archdioceses announced today that they were taking steps to make it easier for priests to reach out to their parishioners by installing glory holes in their congregation's confessionals.

A glory hole is a hole in the wall two or three inches in diameter large enough for a male to put his member through and have it serviced anonymously by somebody on the other side sort of like driving your car into the bay area of a Jiffy Lube and having it serviced.

The measure came today after much deliberation.

Spokesman for the archdioceses, Father Donald McGuire, a known pedophile, says that priests want to come out in the open. "We don't want to harbor anymore secrets," he said. "What's done is done. We want to move back 'n forth and get everything out in the open."

Glory holes have been around forever, since the Greek Hero Warrior Philoctestes and the tragedian playwrite, Sophocles introduced the cult of Assclapius to Athens.
Critics of the plan say that it is weighted heavily in the priest's favor and fear that it might drive parishioners away.

"Who wants to see the snake in the middle of prayer?" asked one Catholic nun who preferred to remain anonymous. "It was the snake that got everybody in trouble in the first place."

Others say that sitting on the unforgiving and stern pews is hard enough without having to add to everyone's misery.

But Jesuit leaders are hopeful. "We've seen our applicant pool for the priesthood increase by 50% since announcing the installation of the glory holes," said one priest who preferred not to be identified.

A carpenter who was commissioned to drill holes for the archdioceses could not believe what he was being asked to do and questioned himself on more than one occasion, "What would Jesus have done?"

Still, the jury is out as to whether glory holes will help repair the damage already caused by the chimerically lecherous priests.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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