DULUTH - A lawyer speaking on behalf of the music industry celebrated ecstatically after a key victory in the battle against internet piracy.
Karl Lattan, a well-regarded civil lawyer, beamed as he spoke regarding a judgment handed down against Jammie Thomas, a Minnesota resident. "This is a key win in the war on internet piracy."
Thomas, a single, Native American mother of two, has been ordered to pay $222,000 in damages for 'willfully' violating the copyrights of an astounding total of 24 songs.
"We have won this skirmish against an important demographic in terms of music piracy," Lattan proclaimed. "Single Native American mothers make up for a large percentage of illegal downloads. Imagine if every single Native American mother violated the copyrights of 24 songs. That could literally mean dozens of copyright violations."
Lattan went on to describe the horrific impact illegal downloading has had on upstanding members of the music industry.
"The entire industry has been extremely hard hit by copyright infringement," said Lattan. These are humble, hard-working people, who can no longer afford to live. Record executives can no longer bathe in champagne-filled hot tubs. They now have to bathe in sparkling white wine. It's a damn travesty."
Executives are not the only members of the music industry who have been hit hard by illegal downloads. Rapper Kanye West was asked to discuss the impact on talented musicians like himself.
"I'm coping, but I saw Snoop Dogg the other Day when I was in Los Angeles, and he's not well," said West. He had to pawn his diamonds for cubic zirconia, his biatches have abandoned him, and the hydros on his Caddy got repossessed. He can't even feed his family. The poor dude can only afford to pay alimony for three of his fourteen illegitimate children."
When confronted on allegations that he himself had illegally downloaded music, Lattan shot back with righteous indignation. "Of course I download music. Fifteen bucks for a CD with two decent songs, are you kidding. I'm not gonna pay that."
Thomas, the defendant, is considering releasing a hip-hop album to help pay the damages.