Written by Dan Holmes
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Wednesday, 24 March 2004

image for Former US terror chief pisses himself
Please Sir, I'm pissing my pants....

After yesterday's shock revelations that Colin Powell's mother claims he is a shit-ass, it comes as no surprise that former White House security expert Richard Clarke claims he is a piss-pants.

Half way through his testimony today at the 9/11 enquiry he stuck up his hand and asked to use the boys' room. "This is an important issue, but not an urgent issue", he told the chairman, as a dark stain spread below his chair and he squirmed like a drunk in a trash-can.

Mr Clarke was testifying before the US commission examining the 2001 attacks on New York and Washington - but admitted he had "failed to use the facilities before coming to give evidence." However, he did begin his testimony with an apology to the relatives of the roughly 3,000 lavatory attendants in Washington's public buildings who "could have given me sound advice - but the US government failed them, and so did I" he said.

In his testimony Mr Clarke, who voided his bladder last week, said he had been to the toilet "dozens of times", but had failed to take into account "how long this Goddam enquiry was going to take" and really regretted agreeing to appear. "My secretary told me that pissing would be an urgent problem, but I don't think I ever treated it that way," he said.

Mr Clarke - who has faced a barrage of criticism from the White House over his bladder weakness - said "beer" was the reason he was "useless" in controlling his urge to urinate. "And by pissing on Iraq, the president of the United States has greatly exacerbated the need for old men like me to stay away from the sound of running water," he told the panel.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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