Written by Zack Matheson
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Sunday, 28 October 2007

image for College Freshman Desperately Attempting to Prove that Nacho Cheese is Fifth Food Group
Quesadilla cheese is another story entirely

TAMPA, FL -- A college Freshman named Eddie Donaldson is on a quest that he says he will complete even if it kills him. Eddie, who has yet to declare a major at the University of South Florida, is thoroughly convinced that nacho cheese has to have some kind of nutritional value. Thus, because it is not really cheese, but rather is comprised of food byproducts and various chemicals, it has to have some kind of positive impact on those who consume it regularly.

"Let's face it," says Eddie, "I live off the stuff. I eat it every day. Seven-Eleven Nachos, Movie Theater Nachos, Cheese Dip, Easy Cheese. I love it all. And if it wasn't good for me and if it didn't have some kind of nutritional value, why do I feel so healthy?"

Eddie, who at eighteen, is five foot ten, 265 pounds, has gotten some support for his nacho cheese theory.

Mooch, a nineteen year old stoner who lives next to Eddie in the same dormitory agrees. "Yeah, man, Eddie's on to something, man. I mean nacho cheese tastes so good, man. Especially after a couple of bong hits. It's way better than what they serve to us in the cafeteria. I can't even eat that stuff when I'm stoned, man."

Eddie has decided to campaign to make nacho cheese the official fifth food group. Eddie is proud of his quest. "Dairy, Fruits and Vegetables, Protein, grains and now nacho cheese as well. I wonder how many servings a day the FDA will require for nacho cheese? Man, I'm gonna be the healthiest guy on campus."

People will be able to follow Eddie's desperate quest to prove to the world that he is not eating unhealthy crap every day via his blog.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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