Key Largo, Florida - (Ass mess): Not content to shag their Halloween pumpkins in the traditional way, some local Key Largo divers are staging an innovative shag-your-pumpkin underwater contest this year.
"We're tired of all this carved jack-o'-lantern stuff," one local aqualunger said today, "and decided to bring it all out into the open with an invite to locals who might otherwise remain closeted behind closed doors."
The competition will be staged more than 30 feet below the ocean's surface and is targeting seasoned divers from the Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary.
The prize will be a free exchange trip to pumpkin-shagging dive clubs on the South England coast.
"Underwater pumpkin-shagging isn't easy," one local aficionado said today.
"The pumpkins want to float which makes it difficult," he said.
"Plus, anybody who's not circumcised often has a problem with all the goddam pips turning up unexpectedly days or even weeks later."
"You're working against your own buoyancy and the pumpkin's as well."
Organisers have said that they've noticed that some contestants dropped a weight inside their pumpkins "to keep them on the bottom."
Then they slice and pare the fleshy veggies "to create their entries alongside yellowtail snapper and other fish" that might be in the area.
"But heck, it's fun and so far there have been no cases of related pregnancies."