District of Columbia (Baristas "R" Us) - Reputable janitorial sources within the White House have leaked that the President intends to outsource all decision-making to an automatic coffee dispenser.
The Flavia brand Creation 400 "brewing system" (a combination coffee/tea/cappuccino/hot cocoa dispenser) has resided in the vending machine area of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for years. Very soon it will operate behind the scenes, dispensing important and far-reaching decisions that affect the entire world.
The move comes apparently in response to a shortage of quality decision-makers. And it's no wonder, as the Creation 400 advertises features such as, "...cappuccinos, mochaccinos and cafe latte creations. Our unique system brews direct and pure from pack to cup. No need for cleaning between drinks, fresh and fun, and none of the hassle."
Other strong selling points include:
- The new 'funky' look combines an almost retro feel with modern ergonomics.
- Specially designed to suggest choice.
- Stimulates with a welcoming, easy and fun to use interface.
"It will start small, maybe with FEMA or Department of Homeland Security," said one source. "Then work its way up to the Pentagon and the Department of Justice."
Except for his noticeably uncomfortable body language, White House spokesman Tony Frappuccino refused to comment.