A Hackensack, NJ man married his TiVo digital recorder today in a small private ceremony. The union, performed by the United Church of Christ (which became the first major Christian denomination to support gay marriage back in 2005), sparked protests from numerous conservative organizations.
"This spells the beginning of the end for western civilization," said near-dead evangelist Billy Graham. "A union should be between a man and a woman--not a man and a circuit board. If this isn't stopped, it could destroy the very fabric of our nation."
"I honestly don't understand all the fuss," said Bob Snert, the groom. "I mean, I like women--I'm not one of those fruityboys. It's just that I love my TiVo! We already live together and spend virtually all of our time with one another, so who's it going to harm if we formalize the relationship? The buttons I press in the privacy of my own home are nobody else's business."
The service, which included the groom, the DVR, and a few other household appliances, drew protesters and supporters that had to be separated by police. On one side of the block, proponents waved signs reading "Leave-O the Man Alone!" and "I Love My Blender!"
Across the street, dissenters held up banners saying "Man-Machine Love is Sick!" and "For God's Sake, We're Already Overbooked Protesting Gay Marriage…We Don't Have Time For This!"
A spokesman for TiVo said the company had no official comment at this time.