Portland, Oregon - Makers of Today Spermicidal Sponge, announced today a new product line geared toward meeting the hectic demands of disengaged parents, reactionary liberal school administrators and rubber-stamping members of the school board by introducing a new age appropriate product line of birth control for middle school girls called: "The Sponge" Bob Square Pants birth control for kids. Critics argue it is too soon, while others say it is too little, too late.
"Our 'The Sponge' Bob Square Pants birth control for kids is the perfect birth control cross-over product line to transition children engaged in an activity they are neither physically, mentally or emotionally equipped to handle," said as spokesperson for Today. "Sponge Bob Square Pants gives them the emotional support that both their parents and child educational professionals have failed to recognize and provide."
The instructions are written in at first grade picture book level of literacy so the kids do not have to bother their parents or educational professionals with any bothersome moral dilemmas or adult guidance. Instead, the kids merely follow their whimsy of their undeveloped minds and bodies and deal only with the emotional consequences of their actions and not a baby nine ½ months later, said the manufacturer.
"It's a load off my mind that the state has usurped my parental authority and supplanted my and all other parents moral obligation to instill a moral sense of right and wrong age appropriate behavior all because I've neglected mine," said Delores Walburg, mother of an 11-year-old girl. "I'm a firm believer in collective punishment. Far be it from me to ever question authority, or that of my children's over me regarding their daily activities."
Some middle schools have hoisted up the white flag and opted to dispensing birth control to a minority of the sexually active student body. Rather than meeting the needs of their children, demanding parental involvement in their young misguided lives, say critics.
However, others argue for more government involvement in the personal practices of our private lives.
"Look, these so-called 'kids' are already having consensual sex with each other, with or without our consent," said Marie Hammerhand, a middle school principal. "We are just making sure they have protected sex, don't get pregnant or if they do, that they have access to an affordable abortion, that's all. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. And provide them with the best second class education your over extended tax dollars can afford."
"There's a definite benefit to not getting pregnant in middle school. No one can deny that, that's for sure," said Joan Harbour, a spokesperson for a conservative family values group. "But they are still children and lack the experience to make a value judgment call as whether or not to have sex. The fact they are having sex at such a young age is merely a symptom of something deeper that has gone wrong. Throwing birth control at them is not treating the cause, it's merely covering up the symptoms."