Written by Evan Essence
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Topics: Dick Cheney

Monday, 22 October 2007

image for Lynne Cheney Discovers Dick Cheney Descended from Attila the Hun
Dick Cheney...no...wait...

In her passion for genealogical research, Lynne Cheney has found that her husband, Dick Cheney is distantly related to Barack Obama and Burt Reynolds. Now she claims to have followed his ancestral line back even further, and she says she can directly trace his ancestry back to the fifth century Barbarian warlord, Attila the Hun, who led the Scythian Hordes in unprecedented campaigns of pillaging, plundering and devastation.

Harvard Professor of Political Science, Barney Hampton, observed, there may be more than a passing family resemblance. "Historians," he noted, "generally ascribe the invention of 'waterboarding', a torture technique used in the interrogation of both known and suspected terrorists, to Attila the Hun, in 423 AD."

Professor Hampton continued, "Cultural historians generally agree that American civilization reached its zenith during years of John F. Kennedy, with his call for all nations join together to fight the 'common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself,'... and his commitment to send a manned mission to the Moon...followed by Lyndon Johnson's vision of a 'Great Society' committed to Justice and the well-being of every citizen."

"However, following the financial ravages of the Viet Nam War, and then the total failure of Ronald Reagan's Supply Side Economics to increase the stream of revenue to the level needed to compensate for his massive tax-cuts...resulting in the quadrupling of the national debt...instead of his promise to reduce the debt...the nation has gone into bankruptcy and steady decline paralleling the collapse of the Roman Empire."

"This crumbling of American civilization has been charcterized by a complete lack of vision for the future, and instead, the airwaves being filled with nothing but the bellicose rantings of Rush Limbaugh, and the hate-filled diatribes of Ann Coulter, and other incipid right-wing commentators," Professor Hampton noted.

"Dick Cheney has generally been attributed with ushering in the Age of Barbarism...unleasing rogue armys traveling over the globe, ravaging other nations to capture their oil supplies, bombing hundreds of thousand of innocent citizens, and deliberately attacking Muslim holy sites, in order to provoke Muslim fanaticism, and by commiting the totality of our nation's resources to eternal, unending global warfare...even as bridges collapse, and children die at home," Professor Hampton concluded.

Editors note: Evan Essence received his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing

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