Written by Josh Bloom
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Topics: Global Warming

Friday, 19 October 2007

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The ongoing debate over global warming came to an unexpected and shocking end today.

Dr. Heywood Jablomy, president of the Self-Appointed Pseudo-intellectuals Society (SAPS) presented irrefutable evidence that global warming has now been proven beyond any doubt. "I have assembled and analyzed a massive dataset which, I believe, puts this issue to bed."

In support of his manifesto, Dr. Jablomy solemnly noted "the temperature in Akron yesterday was 1.5 degrees Fahrenheit warmer than it was on the same date last year" and concluding "that no other explanation can possibly rationalize these data." "Furthermore", he concluded, "if Al Gore says something it is undeniably true."

In an tense scene that tainted the otherwise momentous occasion, one sceptical reporter noted that it was also 2.3 degrees cooler this year in Poughkeepsie than it was on the same date last year.

Incensed, Dr. Jablomy accused the journalist of being part of a vast right-wing conspiracy, and added "you're probably the same guy that savagely beat (Air America host) Randy Rhodes."

Further elaborating upon his already-flawless logic, Dr. Jablomy accused the inquiring reporter of "working for Halliburton and dropping Clorox into rabbit eyes." Additionally, he decried that the reporter was "clearly a racist and probably a doody head as well."

When questioned about his academic credentials, the scientist clarified, "The Wilfred Academy has been shaping fine minds, and inspiring stimulating and compelling scholarly discourse for decades."

Finally, when asked what the average citizen could do to help with this undeniable global catastrophe, Dr. Jablomy suggested, "It is well known that methane is a particularly egregious greenhouse gas and I have therefore been lighting my farts for years." He urged others to consider doing this, as well as using recycled Mountain Dew bottles for heart valve transplants. "Mankind has obviously created this situation and we can and must fix it," he concluded.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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