SAN JUAN HILL, Puerto Rico - Fed up with modern politicians who seem to have little grasp or regard on how best to lead the United States, a small but growing group of people has reorganized the Bull Moose Party of Theodore Roosevelt.
Standing at the sight of Roosevelt's famed charge up San Juan Hill in Puerto Rico, Bull Moose spokesperson M. T. Graves announced that Republican Incumbent George Bush and Democratic Candidate John Kerry had a new opponent to deal with.
Motioning to a nearby tent, Graves stated that the newly reformed Bull Moose Party had succeeded in resurrecting Teddy Roosevelt by popular demand. On cue, former President Roosevelt emerged from the tent and waved to the assembled press conference. Looking remarkably spry for a man who had been dead for nearly 85 years, Roosevelt wasted no time starting his campaign.
"The people of this great Nation once again must be shown that the President is a steward of the people. To those who would seek the office of President for their own selfish ends, I send this warning: The people of this Nation will not stand for this much longer. If the only place to find someone who understands what serving their Country means is in the grave, than by God, I will leave my peaceful rest and return to this mortal coil to demonstrate once and for all what Government of the People, for the People, and by the People means. I led the way through great reforms once before, and I swear to you now, I will lead the way to great reforms again."
Roosevelt's running mate was not announced at the Press Conference, but persistent rumors of resurrecting his fifth-cousin, Franklin Roosevelt, to join him on the ticket floated freely about the hillside. Some questioned whether FDR would be willing to take second seat on the ticket, while others countered with the observation that, if it helped get the United States back on the right track, FDR would accept the role of dog catcher.
As yet, no statements either from the White House or the Kerry Campaign have been forthcoming, though one political pundit observed, "Get real. Third party candidates are never taken seriously in a Presidential Election."