Dallas, TX -- Twenty eight year old electronics salesperson Lance Vaughn has always had a vision for his life. This vision consisted of the time honored series of events like graduation from college, settling down with a nice girl, and raising a small family. However, People magazine's latest survey on teen sexuality has Mr. Vaughn seriously reconsidering that plan.
The survey, consisting of the responses of 5,000 teens ranging in age from 13 to 19, reveals a culture of increasing rates of promiscuity and rapidly changing definitions of intimacy among the youngest, most nubile members of pre-adult society. "I had no idea things had changed so quickly." exclaimed Vaughn.
"I was all set to ask my girlfriend Lisa to marry me and settle down but now I'm not sure if it's a good idea to bring a child into this depraved society we've created for ourselves, it would be a total cock-block."
"80.7% of females 14 to 18 have tried oral sex! Are you kidding me? Back in school there were like four girls who would do that, that's awesome!"
"What was really surprising is how 92.4% of youth nowadays don't even think of oral sex as sex! When I was in middle school third base was getting a bra off or something. Now it seems like a hand job is practically an informal greeting. I gotta get me some of that." replied Vaughn wistfully.
"The statistics revealed in this survey are very enlightening. With the downward spiral of moral degradation our culture is facing how can I even consider taking on the responsibility of bringing a child into this corrupt world? The hedonism on display in the actions of today's youth is something that I don't want any potential child of mine participating in."
"Me, however, well that's a different story. What's it going to be like five years from now? It'll probably only get better, er, I mean worse."
Any desires Vaughn may have retained about nurturing a warm household overflowing with so much love that a new life was needed to accommodate its blessed abundance were dissolved when he was informed about the concept of a rainbow party.
"Holy shit! You mean teenage girls get together to apply different colors of lipstick to a guy via fellatio? Just for fun? Where was that shit when I was in school? Why did I have to be born in 1978 instead of 1991, why?" He said despairingly.
The interview ended abruptly as Vaughn excused himself to research the qualifications needed to become a substitute teacher.