New York, New York - With the use of steroids nearly running rampant by Olympic athletes, Kodak has decided its time to end its long-term association with the Olympics, which dates back to the very first games in Athens in 1896. Officially, Kodak executives have become concerned that the growing controversy will tarnish their company's image. However, rumor has it that the real reason Kodak is dropping out is that they were out bided by industrial chemical giant, DuPont.
"Better Life Through Chemicals.' That's not just a clever advertising slogan to us," said Roger Fox, DuPont CEO. "It's a way of life today now, but the way of the future tomorrow."
According to Fox, Olympic athletes, professional sportsmen and high school lettermen are all leading the way to the next evolutionary step of mankind through chemical enhancements to their bodies and minds.
Now Fox plans to take it to a completely new level bring life enhancement changes through chemical to the non-athletic types: nerds, couch potatoes and soccer moms.
"Lets' face it," Fox continued. "The future doesn't look so bright. Well, maybe it does with global warming, but my point is we're all going to want off this planet as soon as things start warming up and cooling way down. Think about it. Noah had the Ark. What do we got? We got chemicals!"
Using the up coming 2012 Olympics as a backdrop, DuPont is preparing to roll out its new product line of industrial strength chemicals for the general population called, "Noah's Ark Animal Pills, " in an attempt to counter the effects of global warming.
The pills are not only shaped like little animals, each one makes you think, behave and most important perform like the animal pill you chose.
"If you choose a cheetah, you think, behave and run as fast a cheetah," claims Fox.
Fox also claims that the pills are complete safe, having been track and field tested by Olympic athletes. He asserts he can personally attest to the effectiveness as well because he uses them himself as often as he can.
"I was once a lowly scientist with DuPont," Fox said. "Then I invented these pills and now I'm the CEO of DuPont."
According to Fox, the FDA has already secretly approved an animal pill line, and that they are current being used by members of the Bush administration for years.
"For some reason they take only ostrich pills," said Fox. "But I expect most people will favor the other animal pills like cheetahs, eagles, dolphins. You know to escape the up coming fires and flooding by running, flying or swimming away from them."
Fox also claims that the new Animal pills will help the environment as well as humans taking the pills will be able to pick up the slack of many of the animal species rapidly disappearing from the earth.
Fox cautions against mix animal species among members of the family, as it can have disastrous effects on family relationships.
"It can be stressful to discover, once the pills effects wears off, that you've just attacked or even eaten one or more of your family members," explained Fox. "So I strongly recommend that as family you all go with the same animal species. Other than that slight drawback, my animal pills are completely safe."