In a desperate move to hold the nation's economy together and provide necessary sweeping reform in all areas, the United States president has ordered hundreds of thousands of rolls of duct tape and has passed a national duct tape standards act.
The legislation allows legal protection for states to use the silver sticky stuff for anything that it sees fit including repairing aging the nation's infrastructure, buildings, bridges, highways, local levees, school buses and desks.
"This is an unprecedented move," said the president's press secretary, Donald Duct. "We hope he knows what he's doing."
As for the War in Iraq thousands of cases of duct tape will be delivered to Iraqi civilians who have had their homes and loved ones.
"We hope that this will help them to put their lives back together again," said the president who says that duct tape has been used successfully at Gitmo and other military installations to restrain prisoners.
United States military hospitals like Bethesda Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland will also receive shipments to aid wounded soldiers and their families stay together.
"I even use the stuff for my Cocker Spaniel, Barney, to keep him from going to the bathroom on Thomas Jefferson's 18th century couch, he added."
The president even went so far as to order duct tape for this nation's unions, the UAW (United Auto Walkers) and even third world countries such as the Sudan and Darfur and the Dominican Republic.
"People call us humanitarians there. They can use duct tape instead of giving their women those what do you call those things, cli-tori-dectomy's. And duct tape will go a long way on a sandwich."
The prime minister of China, Gunhu Shoes also thanked the president for sending many shipments to help alleviate the countries staggering birth rates.
"Duct tape is versatile and may be used by either sex," the prime minister said. "Just put over pee pee hole and it works."
But critics of the president say that he has just gotten cozy yet again with the 3M Corporation and fear that Chinese men who use duct tape for birth control will have another, more serious problem later on. Critics also feel that the use of duct tape is just another ploy to appeal to the common man.
"Seventh grade sentence structure, fifth grade vocabulary, hunting with Dick and sawing wood with a Black and Decker chainsaw on his Crawford ranch, we've seen it all," said former Texas state cow commissioner, Slim Hiccup.
But the president continues his cowboy path.
Word has even gotten to Wall Street that the president might be considering going to a new monetary standard using duct tape as it's base. Market analysts are waiting to see what's going to happen and are asking the ever pressing question, "What is going to be needed most this fall, water or duct tape?"
Dick Cheney was not available for comment.