KENOSHA, WI -- In a move to help Americans become less dependent on Middle Eastern oil, the U.S. Government today released plans to harvest the fat of America's obese.
"We can run the entire country off Midwestern fat, no question about it," said a member of the newly created Fat Management Bureau (FMB). "Just think about how all those people can actually be doing our country a big service by eating fast food every night. This is a resource just waiting to be tapped."
Jumping on the alternative energy bandwagon, President Bush told a group of Teamsters that Midwest fat was "our greatest natural resource."
Under the FMB, liposuction clinics will be set up in the vicinity of large concentrations of fast food restaurants and all you can eat buffets in every major metropolitan area in Middle America. All one has to do is go to the liposuction clinic and tell them that you want to help your country. As an incentive, fat will be paid for by the pound. The harvested fat will then be burned as a fuel source.
As an experiment, Sheboygan, Wisconsin and Kalamazoo, Michigan, are already being powered by nothing other than human fat. If the experiment is as successful as hoped, Columbus, Ohio, and Gary, Indiana, are the next in line for the "100% Fat Run" plan, with more cities soon to follow.
Lawyers representing the coal, timber and nuclear industries are planning to dispute the legality of the new fuel source because they claim that it is preying on helpless fat Americans.