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Thursday, 11 October 2007

image for Ann Coulter Bears Rush Limbaugh's Child; Crack Baby Rumors Abound
Limbaugh's and Coulter's Newborn Child

New York, New York -- Photos of Ann Coulter's and Rush Limbaugh's newborn baby girl were leaked to the press today despite the couple's wishes to the contrary.

"I don't know who sold these pictures to the Post," a visibly angry Coulter stated at a hastily arranged news conference today, "but I will say this: the New York Post is going to wish they never knew my name."

Rumors of a possible pregnancy involving these two political blowhards have persisted for months. However, until now both Coulter and Limbaugh have vehemently denied ever having shagged it up in the sack with one another.

"Folks, I respect Ann for her intelligence and wit -- I'd even enjoy sharing a fine Cuban cigar with her -- but I have never, I repeat never have I ever had sex with that woman," Limbaugh was reported as stating on his radio show back in April of this year when rumors first began to fly. "It's all a bunch of gobbledygook from left-wing wackos," he announced assuringly.

For both Coulter and Limbaugh, this latest controversy could not have come at a worse time. Coulter has been busy promoting her recently released book, If Democrats Had Any Brains They'd Be Republicans, whilst Limbaugh is still attempting to distance himself from his fairly recent drug related woes. But it is precisely because of Limbaugh's known penchant for narcotics that has fueled speculation concerning the couple's new baby.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say that is a crack baby if I ever saw one," observed one anonymous source close to Limbaugh. "He's supposed to be off the drugs by now, but really, how can one possibly explain this?" the source continued.

"That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my life," exclaimed yet another shocked source that worked closely with Coulter on the book, "I'm afraid to even touch it." Another source agreed: "My God, if there's ever existed an excuse for an abortion, this is it."

It will be noted that immediately after the baby was delivered, the delivery team called in Father Malcolm of Our Lady of Hope Catholic Church in order to perform an exorcism. Pressed about these rather sensational rumors, the doctor (who has requested anonymity) played down their significance, "it was a routine procedure performed out of an abundance of caution is all. This sort of thing happens all the time."

However, the head nurse, who was clearly shaken by the ordeal, stated that in her 33 years as a nurse she had "never seen anything like that" pulled out from any woman's womb. "We have clergy on staff here at the hospital, but absolutely never have we felt the need to perform an exorcism at the hospital -- especially, and of all places, in the delivery room!" she went on to exclaim.

How and where the photos were taken is still a mystery. However, speculation has it that the pictures were taken just after delivery, and when the child was apparently hastily locked away in a nearby janitorial closet. Yet, a hospital spokesman has denied those reports: "Saint Mary Hospital (SMH) employees are trained professionals. We at SMH are simply appalled at any suggestion that we would not treat each and every one of our patients with the utmost in professional care and respect that they deserve and expect from us."

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