Written by Candice Hitler
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Topics: Food, Diet

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

image for A Diet to Die For?
Burger. Latin: Greasus Obisitus

Its being hailed as the most dangerous 'fad' diet since eating windows but Hollywood's A-list are all looking for a 'slice' of the action. Home amputation is now the fastest growing way to lose a stone. 'Alleged' comedy actor Steve Martin removed his own leg with a diamond encrusted spatchula this week. He told press he 'felt great' and that he had 'always felt like he had a monoped inside him waiting to get out'

But they are not all success stories; boxing's favourite punch bag Nigel Benn decided to slowly erode his arms off using bleach and paint thinner in order to drop down a weight category. He then went on to suffer a humiliating defeat to two-handed opponent Lennox Lewis in just 3 seconds. Benn is considering have a largely untested 'reconstructive broom handle' operation. This would see Benn able to 'brush off opponents' a grossly unfunny member of his entourage told us.

The real question is how long, in terms of time, will it be until the average street idiot begins to copy their idols. We spoke to 'torso' Alice Fielder on her decision to remove all her own limbs by eating them through a straw. She told us that although technically she now only weighed six stone, like her hero Roseanne Barr, she had to be wheeled around on a small trolley and was forced to roll around on the floor at school during lessons;

'Sometimes my friends use me as a soccer ball, and this one time they played bowling using my one-legged friends as pins and me as the ball. They called me a blob and limbless boxnob'

Parents have spoken out against the Hollywood trendsetters saying that the government should make Bullemia and Anorexia compulsory in schools. The government denied the issue had become a problem and sited famous one legged pirate Blackbeard as a suitable role model for today's disaffected limb-lopping youth.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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