Written by Zack Matheson
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Topics: FBI

Monday, 8 October 2007

image for FBI States "Joy Crimes" on the Rise

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Federal Bureau of Investigation has reluctantly published a report outlining the rise of "joy crimes" across the country, especially in inner cities and suburban areas.

Criminal actions taken while the perpetrator is in an extremely good mood is what the FBI now labels "joy crimes." The most recent joy crime to occur in the nation's capitol happened late Sunday night shortly after Steven Vazley, 29, of Fairfax, Virginia, left a friend's house in Georgetown.

Vazley had won his fantasy football pool with the help of surprise big number performances from Kurt Warner and Clinton Portis. While driving his car at eighty miles per hour and screaming with delight, Vazley struck and killed Glenda Jarvik, a homeless woman who was pushing a shopping cart full of random body parts at the time.

Vazley's lawyer vehemently denies that his client's actions were a joy crime but the FBI does not agree.

"What Steven Vazley committed last Sunday night at approximately eleven thirty eight Eastern Standard Time was a classic example of a joy crime," states FBI Agent Xavier Toomer. "The size of the smile on his face because of the huge wad of dough in his pocket when the crime was committed shows the dark, twisted nature of Mr. Vazley's crime. There is no doubt that this man was happy as fuck when the crime happened and that's just disgusting We have no room for a crime of this nature in our society."

No matter what the outcome of Vazley's sentencing, his lawyer has said he will appeal the ruling.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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