A new, "child-free" Britney Spears will finally have the time and energy she has desperately yearned for to do more drugs and possibly have more children.
Manager Larry Rudolph confirmed reports that an "elated" Britney Spears was heading straight to Club Basque in Hollywood minutes after dumping her babies off at ex-husband and would-be entertainer Kevin Federline's Los Angeles home, but was pulled over by L.A. County Sheriffs and arrested for D.W.I. before she could make it there. Her attorney Sorrell Trope is expected to enter a plea of not guilty on her behalf later today in District Court.
While in court, Attorney Trope was also reportedly going to address allegations that the pop star missed a drug/alcohol test, failed to report to probation, failed to report to rehab, failed to take a court ordered drug test, failed at her come-back performance at the MTV VMA's, failed as a parent, failed as a role model, and even failed a personality test she took online.
"In regards to Britney [Spears] failing to take the drug test, those rumors are absolutely and completely false, " Sorrell Trope angrily denied at a hastily called press conference. "As a matter of fact, she took the drug test, and scored a 100% on it."
Ms. Spears was unable to attend the press conference in person, on account of being passed out naked on the floor of her crack dealer's North Hollywood apartment.
Manager Larry Rudolph also snapped back at the media for what he described as the media's "unfair portrayal" of the once-renowned music icon who has recently fallen from grace in the public eye. "The media acts as if Britney is the only famous music performer to fall victim to a debilitating drug and alcohol addiction, then get arrested like, every other day, then refuse all help from family, friends, the public, and the courts to rehabilitate herself, then practically give her kids away to a shady ex husband with a questionable past in a desperate attempt to just party her life away even more than she already has if that's even humanly possible. OK, maybe she IS the only person to have ever done that. The point is, the press should lay off my client. The world needs crack whores too, ya' know."