Written by King David
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Topics: North Carolina

Sunday, 7 October 2007

image for North Carolina highway patrol to receive new accommodations
Watch Out! State highway patrol cruisers will be equiped with "extras"

The North Carolina state legislature passed a bill today helping highway patrol officers do their job better. In light of the recent rash of troopers taking indecent liberties with motorists, the state department announced today that a bill has been passed requiring all new cruisers to be outfitted with fold-down backseats, tinted windows and condom dispensers. A back-up queen-sized air mattress will be stored in the trunk of the cruiser said officials.

When asked why the condom dispensers would be installed in the doors, instead of between the seats, a spokesman for the department said that they would be in the way if they were between the seats and that they would provide better access for the troopers reaching from a prone position in the backseat if they were installed in the doors.

Other measures included on the bill were the arresting officer's right to strip-search motorists along the highway and access internet pornography on their cruiser computers.

This measure was to help them get particularly stubborn and unruly motorists more in the mood to be violated. The measure also provided for veteran officers to choose to have ceiling mirrors placed in the backseat of their cruisers.

"We want our veteran officers to consider new ways of dealing with arrests," said Easley."If this is going to be a new trend, we want our older officers to be prepared," he continued.

Other measures currently being considered by the House include:

Larger patrol vehicles such as vans that run on bio-diesel fuel; a full line of sex toys to be used at the arresting officer's discretion including vibrating pistols, orgasmic tasers, increased usage of rubber bullets, vibrating night sticks, and training classes in the Kama Sutra and in how to use the new sex toys. Officers might also receive discounts at local sex toy shops and adult bookstores.

The state is also looking to the new law to help reduce the amount of road rage in motorists.

"We feel that by providing officers with these tools that it will reduce the amount of stress on North Carolina highways, and, in turn, accidents and motorist altercations produced by road rage," continued Easley.

"We are also hoping that it will reduce the stigma associated with sexual offenses in other institutional environments. By doing this, we feel that it will save our companies and tax payers millions of dollars in extended court cases each year."

Detractors of the move couldn't believe it and said that this will surely bring a new meaning to North Carolina's license plate slogan, "First in Flight."

But supporters countered heavily and said that the slogan needs to be changed sighting popular trends in our country that nobody cares about history anyway.

"The Wright Brothers? Who cares!," said one official. "Why not, 'the journey is the destination'?" Or 'love the one you're with'?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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