Written by Timothy Sexton
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Topics: Dick Cheney, Hunting

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Several months after the incident occurred, Vice President Dick Cheney was forced to admit that he celebrated the anniversary of his shooting a man in the face by…shooting people in the face.

The year before this incident, you may recall, Vice President Dick Cheney "accidentally" shot a man in the face. A 78 year old man. Cheney's spokesperson Mary Matalin, carrying on the tradition of the Bush administration, blamed the victim. If you'll recall, Dick Cheney did not report the shooting immediately, but rather waited until enough time had passed to make a sobriety test inadmissible in a court of law.

Today Vice President Dick Cheney finally came forward to admit that he celebrated the anniversary of his shooting a man in the face by going on a drunken binge and shooting off his shotgun willy-nilly at anyone who happened to be around. One of the victims, ironically, was Mary Matalin. Strangely, despite having had her face peppered quite severely by buckshot, nobody could tell she'd been shot.

Another victim was Ann Coulter, who immediately went on Fox News and blamed the shooting on John Edwards' secret gay lover. This was particularly interesting because the woman interviewing Coulter was none other than Chris(tina) Wallace, who had also been present and was shot by Vice President Cheney. The most entertaining part of the interview was when Wallace was informed that he had, in fact, been shot. He responded by admitting than when he underwent voluntary castration before going to work for Fox News he had also had all his nerve endings removed. "Frankly, I haven't felt anything in years" Wallace asserted in his high girly voice.

Witnesses denied that Vice President Dick Cheney was drinking before he went on his shooting rampage, but several discarded bottles of expensive French champagne were discovered at the scene. The response from the Vice President's office was that the fact that the bottles were of French champagne proves he hadn't been drinking. Later on it was discovered that, indeed, the liquid inside the champagne bottles was not alcoholic at all. In fact, it was determined to be urine. Later DNA tests determined the urine to belong to Karl Rove.

Mr. Rove could not be reached for comment, but his spokesman Robert Novak averred that it wasn't Rove's urine that Dick Cheney had gotten intoxicated on, but rather high powered attorney Valerie Lame. Novak then went on to say that he had it on good authority that Valerie Lame is actually a CIA agent with the highest possible security clearance. He then volunteered that she is currently doing undercover work as Fidel Castro's nurse. Her address is 1561 Che Guevara Lane. She usually takes the 6:00 AM bus from her apartment to Fidel's home and her favorite restaurant is Chairman Mao's Magic Wok, which she frequents on Tuesday and Friday and every other Saturday.

Vice President Dick Cheney spent the evening after his alleged urine-intoxicant shooting spree ignoring urgent phone calls from his boss, Pres. Bush. When informed of the shootings, Bush is reported to have observed, "We are not planning an invasion of Iran."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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