EAST ST. LOUIS, IL -- Early yesterday morning a terrorist group with links to Al-Queda staged a daring raid on a warehouse holding the Midwest's largest cache of government cheese.
A government official who requested anonymity said the amount of cheese stolen was "staggering" and he worried about large amounts of cheese falling into the wrong hands. After a lengthy pause and a long sigh he added that "blood will be spilled because of this cheese."
The effects of the stolen cheese are already being felt in the business community. Bert Higgins, owner of Pugsley's St. Louis Pizza, said his business would be all but destroyed without supplies of delicious government cheese. Higgins was planning to franchise Pugsley's and expose the United States to the culinary wonders of St. Louis-style pizza, but that, according to Higgins, is all but impossible now, unless the madmen who stole the government cheese are found immediately.
Anybody with leads on where the stolen cheese is being taken are asked to notify their local law enforcement agencies or call Pugsley's St. Louis Pizza.