Written by Rick Higginson
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Topics: Nature, Steps

Friday, 19 March 2004

DAYTON, Tenn. - The county that has begun charging Homosexuals with "Crimes against nature" has a new axe to grind: Heterosexual "Crimes against nature".

Rhea County's new CAN (Crimes Against Nature) Task Force raided a quiet suburban neighborhood in the late hours of Saturday night, catching numerous couples engaged in various illegal activities.

Rufus Wackenhoff, the CAN Task Force spokesperson, explained, "Basically, if'n they's doin' anythin' sexual that ain't the Missionary Position like God intended fer good Christian people to enjoy, and they ain't got a copy of their marriage license handy t' prove they's supposed to be doin' it, we're runnin' 'em in."

Rufus displayed a copy of "The Joy of Sex" seized in the raid. "See this? This here's evidence. Why, they's gots all kinds o' things in here that's illegal in this county! Books like this are what we call 'contraband', and iff'n we finds it in someone's house, we're runnin' 'em in even if they ain't doin' nothin'."

Also rounded up in the raid were several dozen teen-aged boys, whose names are being withheld due to their minor status, but who are being charged with Onanism. Several women and teen aged girls were also arrested for possession of what Rufus euphemistically labeled as 'contraband marital aids'.

Perhaps the most controversial arrest of the evening was the Reverend Welred of the Dayton Community Chapel, a local interdenominational Church. Rev. Welred was arrested on the charge of "Possession of Contraband Literature", which was seen being carried out of his office in a large cardboard box by CAN Task Force Officers.

Rev. Welred had this to say, "Part of my ministry is marriage counseling, for which I often use such books as 'The Act of Marriage' by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. My office library is being confiscated for being 'contraband', and yet, nothing in any of my books contradicts what the Bible says concerning marital intimacy. God intended for sex to be a wonderful, joyful experience for His children, and not this oppressive, regulated nonsense that Rhea County is forcing upon us."

Officer Wackenhoff dismissed Rev. Welred's statements with a wave. "Them liberals is always pollutin' the church. We know that God wants us to purge this here county of all this perverted nonsense. Once we gets all this sexual perversion eliminated from the county, we'll gets all them women-folk back to makin' supper 'n' babies like they's supposed to. We'd gonna make Rhea County inta th' kind o' place this country was supposed to be, back before them Yankee liberals took over. Hell, they took away our slaves, but they can't take away our God-fearin' values!"

Up on the Rhea County Commissioners' agenda for their next meeting is a measure that will outlaw any sexual activities not taking place on Saturday night, along with a measure prohibiting women from riding bicycles. Sources report that the Rhea County Board of Realtors also plan on asking the Commissioners to investigate why property values in the county are dropping at an alarming rate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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