Written by UncleNick
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Topics: Dick Cheney

Sunday, 30 September 2007

image for Cheney Admits to Drinking Micro-View Ocean Zoo Aquarium Full of Sea Monkeys

Vice President Dick Cheney said during a question and answer session on Tuesday that the rumors were true, and that he did in fact "Drink Sea Monkeys."

"People need to understand something," Said an agitated Cheney. "Sea Monkeys are tiny, insignificant crustaceans, and the fact that I occasionally swallow colonies of them will in no way affect my ability to lead this country into the future."

When asked why he took so much pleasure in devouring the tiny creatures, he responded;

"To be honest, I feel like Jesus Christ when I drink them."

Animal Rights Activists were outraged by Cheney's confession, and called on him to drink something else when he was thirsty.

"Why can't he drink Loganberry like the rest of us, or orange drink?" Asked one protester. "Does anybody even know how much it's costing the tax payers to keep this maniac supplied with Sea Monkeys?"

A Cheney Aide insisted that the benefits of the Vice President drinking Sea Monkeys, which are actually cleverly marketed Brine Shrimp Fetuses, outweighed the cost to U.S. Taxpayers.

"I can tell you from experience, Dick does some of his most rigid thinking after he's consumed the animals. Do you honestly believe someone could craft anything as masterful as the Iraqi invasion without being drunk on the lives of thousands of tiny sentient beings?"

When asked how this whole disgraceful charade had begun, Cheney explained;

"Some weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night and went for my glass of water, but I mistakenly took hold of my Deluxe Micro-View, Ocean Zoo Aquarium and drank it down. Instantly, the sensation of living things sliding down my throat exhilarated me, so we did a feasibility study and decided that it would be in the country's best interests if I continued to drink them."

When asked about the Vice President's disturbing confession, General Patraeus had this to say;

"Let me just say that this is not the decision I would make, and we're still not sure how this will affect the Government's relationship with Tribal Council leaders whose people may or may not worship these animals. I can say with some regret that for a period of my life, I was compelled to chew the shells off of turtles, so I can understand what [Dick] must be going through."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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