United States Penitentiary, Tucson, Arizona - Cameras at this high-security prison have captured explicit video footage showing former Republican Congressman Randall "Duke" Cunningham performing a 'sex act' on a fellow inmate. The images, which are already circulating on the internet, were apparently leaked by the warden's teenage son (who considers himself a life-long Libertarian).
Mr. Cunningham, who is currently serving an eight-year sentence on bribery, fraud and tax evasion charges, denies that he did anything inappropriate. Instead, he claims that he simply dropped a bar of soap in the shower. "I then leaned over to pick the soap up, accidentally slipping and falling in the process. The resulting uncompromising position with my cellmate, Butch, caught me off guard so badly that I temporarily forgot where I was," he stated.
"Take my word," he continued, "I bought the boat and not the lifestyle." (Referring to his earlier purchase of a 42-foot yacht named 'Buoy Toy' from a homosexual couple.) "As far as I'm concerned, all socialist homos (except for Barney Frank) should be lined up and shot," he added. "I swear on the American flag that I have never lost at a game of soggy biscuit nor have I have ever been on the servicing end of a glory hole." He then gave the one-fingered salute for effect.
Note: The nickname 'Duke' was Cunningham's callsign during the Vietnam era and refers to his 'John Wayne'-esque personality.