Aspiring presidential candidate Ron Paul was allegedly seen masturbating in a men's room at Logan Airport in Boston, MA, according to an undercover policeman who arrested Paul.
"I saw Paul stroke his penis several times", said Sergeant John Macarthur, an undercover officer who was posing as a homosexual at the airport.
"I was not masturbating, I was just taking a piss", Paul countered. "I always stroke my penis after I piss. Every guy does. It's called 'shaking down'".
"He stroked it seven times", Macarthur declared. "Three times is the legal limit. Any more than that and it's considered masturbating. Check the Massachusetts General Laws, chapter 75, article 3, subparagraph 2."
This reporter managed to obtain a copy of the Massachusetts General Laws, and confirmed that chapter 75, article 3, subparagraph 2 reads "man shalt not stroketh thine wand over thrice for it displeases the almighty". The law was written by Puritans in 1630 and is still on the books.
Paul, a Republican congressman from Texas, claims that the arrest was merely a smear campaign by his Republican rivals namely Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Fred Thompson.
Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts, strongly disputes such assertions. "I don't care if Paul is trying to destroy the Republican party with his antiquated 'pro freedom' views", Romney stated. "I don't care that he's trying to end the wonderful war in Iraq! I don't care that he supports marriage among queers! He was masturbating! We don't need a masturbator in the White House!"
Though most Republicans preach against such sinful habits as fornication among unmarried people, prostitution, gay sex and masturbation, Paul has distanced himself from the party by insisting that such things are personal choices and there should be no government restrictions against them. He also refuses to regard the Bible as science and believes the Earth is billions of years old. In addition, he wants the First Amendment to be restored to the US Constitution. This has created friction among his Republican colleagues.
"The man is below animal! He's a Libertarian!" shouted Mike Huckabee.
Coincidentally, that same day John Edwards, Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton were also arrested for masturbating in airports.
(It's amazing how easy a little name exchange can change a story entirely! Yet Another Republican In Men's Room Scandal)