Written by Helena Handbasket
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Tuesday, 2 October 2007

image for Carolina Finalizes Secession; CSA Elects Ron Paul 2nd President, Ray McKinney Veep
The Stars and Bars, the Confederacy's peacetime flag, may fly alongside the Union Jack until a two-state solution is reached.

01 Oct 07, ANDERSON, SC, CSA-- In a whirlwind coup, South Carolina today ratified its secession from the United States (which occurred in 1860) and transferred its governmental powers to the Confederate States of America. Though the CSA had failed to appear on world radar for 140 years, its advocates call this a mere tactical radio silence.

Both houses of the General Assembly passed a resolution today, immediately signed by maverick Gov. Mark Sanford, that reaffirms the antiquated act of secession. In a coordinated move, the second Provisional Confederate Congress, representing all Confederate states and territories, voted today for CSA presidential candidates. Dr. Ron Paul of Texas was elected President of the Confederate States of America, succeeding Jefferson Davis; and nuclear physicist Ray McKinney of Georgia will serve as Vice-President, succeeding Alexander Stephens. The CSA Election of 1867, to determine the Davis-Stephens administration's successors, had been postponed until today due to Reconstruction. According to the original CSA Constitution, President-Elect Paul is term-limited by the Confederate founders to a single six-year term (2005-2011), even though he will only serve a portion of it.

Col. Beauxyeux Wayne Vance, delegate to the provisional Congress from South Carolina, explains that he cannot find where in history any of the Confederate states ever rescinded their secessions. Col. Vance, whose first name is pronounced "Bo", recalls the first meeting where this apparently dry historical fact became a vibrant call to action for anti-Unionists.

"This whole kitty-wumpus idea started at a Ron Paul meetup that ran just way too late-night," confided honorary Col. Vance, while inviting us to a small snack of cornbread, collard greens, hominy grits, baked beans, peach cobbler, hamhocks and a dozen ribs. "You know, Beauregard he just ast plain out the blue why Dr. Paul don't use the Confederate Constitution 'stead of the Union Constitution, seeing's he's from Texas. Then ol' Billy Joe Wayne wants to know when we ever voted the Union back in after all, and we-all couldn't nary of us figger it out. Too much Jack Daniel's I 'spect. But Jeff Davis is pushing up daisies and the Congress only met twice and we never had a Supreme Court in the South neither, so the whole group up and decided the only to way to figger whether or not we were still Confederates was if we-all up and held our own Constitutional convention getup. So that-all's just what we did."

After this initial April meetup and a summer Constitutional convention, the Confederacy quietly began registering its citizens in each Confederate state and territory. In addition to its original 13 states, the CSA also claims what territory would have belonged to it rightfully in the 1860s, including the Southwest through California, the Midwest up to Montana, the East up to New Jersey, and any other secession-minded states like Alaska, Hawaii, and New Hampshire. With typical Southron hospitality, the CSA lays no claim on any other region, leaving the Union the dregs of the blue states and flyover country.

When we asked why the votes to reaffirm secession were only 18-2 and 42-7 while the South Carolina General Assembly has 46 senators and 126 representatives respectively, Col. Vance, after uttering a string of untranscribable guttural phonemes which we can only take to be obscenities, resurfaced with the protestation, "What? Y'all never heard of a rump session?" Apparently the absent legislators, who were presumably Union-loyal, were of no concern to Col. Vance: "Course some Unionists we ain't routed out yet, but who cares for them, they're furriners here anyways."

We also asked Col. Vance what he thought of USNA President-Elect Hillary Rotten Clinton, so designated by the CBC and Associated Pravda stylebooks. He said, "I bet you this Ron Paul silver against your Andy Jackson central banknote that she ain't."

Most Southronfolk we interviewed affirmed that they had nothing to do with "that other country"; they simply wanted their occupied territory back. Disappointed that the Union never signed a peace treaty with the Confederacy, they argue their status remains ambiguous until such a treaty is ratified by the Congresses of both nations. Besides, since hostilities ceased centuries ago, a diplomatic "two-state" solution is readily expected. They expect life under the new regime to continue essentially unchanged-- especially since many are retaining all the benefits of their American citizenships anyway. Dual citizenship is believed to be a safe haven in perilous times.

Today's resolution is regarded as largely ceremonial because the 1860 secession was never rescinded. Lawmakers who voted to reaffirm secession believe that the Union Supreme Court ruling Texas v. White was inapplicable to the secession question due to the Court's lack of jurisdiction. They await an authoritative interpretation of secession rights from the Confederate Supreme Court, as soon as President-Elect Paul appoints and seats them.

Paul was elected unanimously by the delegates due to what delegates described as an incomparable understanding of states' rights and of decreasing the power of the federal government. McKinney received a comfortable majority (even though his blackout in the mainstream media is at least as large as Paul's), due to his requisite 23 years' experience pushing buttons on nuclear devices. McKinney's unconventional platform appealed particularly to Confederate delegates, expressed on his webpage as: "Foreign relations stinks, FEMA is a disaster, Socialist Insecurity is a scam, taxes should be zero-- oh, and states' rights!"

President-Elect Paul, still campaigning for the Union presidency, refuses to be sidetracked by little things like being elected president of another nation ostensibly at war with the nation he currently represents. Ever analytically optimistic, Paul says, "Look at the upside: in 2009 I'll be able to invite myself to treaty negotiations. It'll be the most amicable peace treaty in world history." He sees no conflict between the Union and Confederate Constitutions, pointing out that swearing to uphold Constitutions is "old hat" to him, so he looks forward to the invigorating challenge of upholding two at once.

Former USNA President George W. Bush admitted that there might be two competing legislatures in South Carolina, but that the United States of North America would continue to affirm its long-standing "one Carolina" policy. When The Spoof asked Bush whether there had not always been two Carolinas, he sputtered, "Are you for us or for the terrorists?"

Since both governments seem keen on diplomatic solutions, the legal question unsettled for 150 years is likely to remain ongoing until a roadmap to a "two-state" solution is complete. The provisional Congress is focusing next on setting up elections in each Confederate state and territory for the next normal session of the Confederate Congress, which would be its third. Elections for state and territorial senators and representatives will take place on 6 November among all registered CSA citizens, i.e., everyone who can prove they were born in or live in the CSA.

The Congress also expects its other states to reaffirm their secessions in due course. North Carolina Gov. Mike Easily, a Roman Catholic, is expected to fall, well, easily. Col. "Bo" Vance reminded us that in 1863, a Southron gentleman named A. Dud Mann received an encyclical from Pope Pius X addressed to the "Illustrious and Honourable Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederate States of America" as positive recognition of the new nation, and of course, papal encyclicals are infallible and eternal.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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