Bald Knob, AR (Gay Blade)- Holding her own has always been one of former First Lady Hillary (Not Rodham Anymore) Clinton's foremost fortes. So much so that she's putting her rough and tough exterior to the ultimate test, in hopes she'll muscle her way into the White House next year, should her political propaganda party peter out.
Rather than to risk matching wits with opponents-and it's a foregone conclusion she stands about as much of a chance of winning a popularity contest as a skunk in a cat competition-ole Hillbilly 'Hil' is drawing on her roots as a country girl to put her over the top in the scramble to secure her supremacy as the first ever she-president of the United States.
Having exhausted her intellectual inventory, Ms. Clinton hopes continuous close combat will improve her chances at overpowering her opponents. In a press release that just hit the street, the liberal lady-in-waiting is challenging all comers to an arm-wrestling tournament that will decide the next Democrat nominee for the Presidency of the United States.
In a bid to scare away the lesser endowed and to showcase her physical prowess, a preliminary "twist-off" will be staged as a warm-up for the next WWF Smackdown on pay-per-view next Monday night. The extravaganza will pit former president Bill "Slick Willie" against his former first lady and current old lady in a grudge match that has been brewing for decades. The spectacle is entitled "Armed and Dangerous" and will be sponsored by Arm&Hammer and Armor-All.
Oddsmakers put Bill at 15,000 to 1, but who knows, stranger things-like Bill getting into the White House in the first place, serving two terms, disgracing the nation and surviving impeachment-have happened. The real money will be made when challengers come out of the woodwork to physically face off with the fierce female. Hillary's staff is in all-out around-the-clock negotiations to change the venue for the Democratic National Convention from Denver to Madison Square Garden. Just to keep things interesting, at Bill's request, Monica Lewinsky will wear her famous blue dress and circle the ring with a sign to announce each round of the bicep-busting brawl.
But observers behind the scenes know the real secret to Hillary's strategy. At the start of each match-up, referees require opponents to look each other in the eye. "No man alive can survive such a terrifying trauma…I know," winks Bill Clinton himself, the real mastermind behind this sinister scheme.
The former Oval Office organ-grinder was overheard to chuckle recently while discussing campaign contributions with longtime buddy Norman Hsu, "Hell, I've GOTTA get back in there; I've still got boxes of White House stationery I've got to use up!"