Written by Larry Ward
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Topics: Taser

Thursday, 27 September 2007

image for Toddler Tasered
But I can see his wotsit

Dateline - Orwellia. Five year old Andrew Meyer was tasered by police at a recent speech given to an audience at Orwellia University. The speech was given by a former celebrity candidate for the emperorship of Owellia who had dressed for the occasion in clothes that were left over from the forfeited emperorship campaign, and made of invisible cloth.

Fox News coverage of the event showed the assembled crowd to be cheerful, if somewhat sonambulated, and favorably impressed with the obvious quality and craftsmanship of the would-have-been emperor's clothes. But the tranquilized scene was disrupted when the subject five year old blurted out, "The emperor's naked".

Police moved immediately to abort the annoyance. With commendable restraint, six officers pounced on the offending young person and hand cuffed the person. But when the five year old persisted saying, "but I can see his whatsis", police persons, shocked by the explicit reference to an anatomical part, realized that stronger measures were needed and shot the offender with 5,000 non lethal volts of electricity. The unrepentant toddler persisted in his offensive behavior by screaming "ouch". Confronted with this resistance to arrest, the six intrepid officers removed the offender from the scene of the crime.

The event has gained some public attention because of internet broadcast of an amateur YouTube video of the incident which shows carefully contrived evidence that seasoned journalists of Fox News properly overlooked. In the amateur YouTube version, a vertical crack that is visible in the almost emperor's backs side and drooping appendages in the foreship, could be construed by the uneducated, lunatic fringe as evidence of nakedness. While the evidence would never be allowed in a court of law or serious, journalistic report in Orwellia, the reckless abuse of free speech which internet technology has made possible, has led to an outburst of lunatic observations by some on Orwellia's inevitable lunatic fringe. Statements range form "what did the kid do" and "the cops are swine" all the way to "the kid had a point".

The offender is now held incommunicado by a public pretender appointed by the court. For national security reasons, habeas corpus has been suspended. There has been no arraignment and prosecutors see no need for charging the offender or seeking grand jury indictment since the offense is so offensive- to police and other affected parties. In crimes of this magnitude, prosecutors argue, the 6th Amendment requirement to charge the offender with a specific crime and other due process laws of the 6th Amendment have to be ignored. But anonymous sources in the law enforcement community have said, off the record, that the offender is understood to be guilty of sassing police, asking a dumb question, threatening the republic and general failure to comply with unspecified rules and regulations. Officer Donut of the University police, speaking on assurance of gender anonymity, explained the action by stating that, "Duh. He can't say dat". Donut also pointed out that the tasered youth has a mile long rap sheet for juvenile behavior.

While there will be no arraignment, formal charge or grand jury hearing, there will be a trial and prosecutors have moved for a change of venue to the Australian outback where there are plenty of kangaroos to conduct the court. Libertarians have objected that the change of venue would cost them a lot of tax dollars and that kangaroo courts are as common as dishwater in Orwellia. But prosecutors point out that the outback venue could spare Orwellia further disruption because there is very little YouTube coverage in the outback and that Fox News can provide the citizens of Orwellia with all the information that their woolly little heads will need.

Super left wing, liberal authorities at the University of Owellia, where the almost emperor's speech was so rudely disrupted, have called upon police to investigate themselves and report to the educators on whether or not they behaved properly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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