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Thursday, 27 September 2007

image for Warren Jeffs Guilty, Sentenced To Community Service as Junior High School
Jeffs will work with and counsel young women during his two year sentence

Warren Jeffs, leader of a polygamous sect that is a splinter group of the Mormon church, has been found guilty as an accomplice to rape. Jeffs was conviced for pressuring a 14 year old girl to marry, then have sex with, her 19 year old male cousin.

Jeffs is the President and Prophet of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He succeeded his father in the hereditary office and is said to rule with an iron fist.

As punishment, Jeffs will serve two years of community service at Cedar City Junior High School in Cedar City, Utah. He will be responsible for working with the young women as an "unpaid mentor and guidance counselor." As part of his duties, he will be responsible for administrating the "just say no" campaign for drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and pre-marital sex.

Said Principal Brigham Pratt Smith, "we are proud to have a man of his renown helping out at our school. His charismatic personality and life experience will be a good influence on our impressionable young women. We hope that he can direct and steer them in the right ways."

Cedar City Community College sophomore Heber Taylor Smith, was also excited by the news. "There's this eighth grade cheerleader that I've been interested in, but she is a little reluctant. I hope Mr. Jeffs can counsel with her and show her what good husband material I am. I'm sure that April and her younger sister would both be good wifes and tigresses in bed since they are so physically active and stuff."

Cedar City was chosen over Blanding, Price, Monticello, and other small Utah communities because there is a large population of young women to be counseled.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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