Written by Noshing Mink
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Wednesday, 26 September 2007

image for Warren Jeffs married to fellow inmate "Big Rosco" in quiet ceremony at Utah county jail
Wedding photo of Big Rosco puckerin' up

Polygamist and child abuser Warren Jeffs was last night married to fellow inmate and jail bully "Big Rosco" Tanner at a ceremony in the penitentiary showers, attended by other prisoners and watched by guards over CCTV.

Prison Warden Ben Yankin presided and pronounced the pair "man" and "prison bitch", amid loud cheering from other inmates, who were only too happy that, as one put it, "for the next fortnight someone else will be the target of Big Rosco's attention".

Big Rosco, a giant 6 foot 8 hillbilly with hands the size of footballs, is said to be "the meanest muthafucka in the pen". Deputy warden Pat Myass said:

"Ya don't wanna be botherin' Rosco. He's pre-tty mean. Some say'z he killed three US Marines with his bare hands 'cos they wuz a'lookin' at him funny."

Warren Jeffs on the other hand, is a Mormon, clean-shaven and with a tidy appearance. Myass predicted:

"He's gonna be pussy meat."

Prison snitch Dixon Hand, who doubled as the best man and bridesmaid, described the ceremony as "informal". He said:

"The bride looked beautiful in his torn prison clothes and heavily bruised face. He was visibly moved, because he had tears in his eyes."

After the wedding, the happy couple were allowed to consummate their relationship in a pig box, after which they were moved to a double cell, which Jeffs will be required to clean every day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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