WASHINGTON, DC -- Republican Senator and 2008 presidential candidate Sam Brownback sent shock waves throughout the nation with comments in a recent interview on CNN describing his, at best, lukewarm affection for the United States.
"Is America a great country? Eh, I don't know. I don't think it's that great," said Brownback. "Don't get me wrong. I like America. I do like living here. But I just don't see what all the fuss is about."
Political analysts say these comments alone were more than enough to destroy the senator's chances of getting the Republican nomination. But they were only the beginning of a long, hysterical tirade.
"I always hear how America is the land of the free and the home of the brave. I think it's even a lyric to some popular song. But, what, are all French people in shackles? Are there no courageous souls in Canada?"
Brownback was even hesitant to declare himself proud to be an American.
"Am I proud to be an American? I don't know. I guess I am. But certainly not as proud as I am of the second place bowling trophy I won in a local league tournament in Salina, Kansas back in the 80s." Brownback went on to say, "Boy do I hate apple pie. Bald eagles suck too."
Although host Anderson Cooper then attempted to turn the interview in a different direction, Brownback continued to pepper his responses with complaints about America. The following are excerpts:
"America is so rough on bin Laden. I think he's just misunderstood. I'm considering converting to Islam myself."
"I don't understand why this country is so worried about terrorism anyway. If I become president, I assure you: the CIA and NSA will be disbanded and we will focus our money and effort on what really matters: legalizing polygamy and bestiality."
"I don't really see the big deal with burning the flag. American flags are made out of combustible material, they're basically begging to be burned."
"Why does everyone jerk off to the founding fathers so much? I think the American Revolution was a big mistake anyway. If you ask me, we had a pretty good deal going with King George."
"I've never been a big fan of the Mississippi River. It's so long, it's bordering on pretentious."
"I find baseball to be very boring."
Brownback's unusually blunt comments indicated a significant departure from his traditionally conservative stance. Indeed, Brownback's complete 180 may be a result of his coming to terms with the fact that he has little chance of becoming president, and already has a Senate seat secured until 2011. The response in Washington was one of shock and outrage, with many congressmen calling for Brownback to immediately withdraw his presidential bid and step down from the Senate. Senate Republicans were particularly dismayed that one of their own could have such seditious sentiments.
"I expect this from America-haters like Ted Kennedy and Dick Durbin, but Sam? He's been so crucial to the Republican party's fight against scientific progress and happy gay people. He's one of our staunchest pro-life advocates. It just doesn't make sense that he would question anything about America," lamented Pat Roberts, who serves alongside Brownback as the junior senator from Kansas.
"Senator Brownback committed high treason the moment he said 'eh.' He should be lynched," insisted a red-faced Orrin Hatch (R-UT). "I f*cking love America. Write that down, bitch."
"How dare that terrorist-sympathizer blaspheme apple pie and bald eagles, America's most beloved symbols," cried an emotionally distraught Spencer Abraham (R-MI).
"If he hates America, he can leave at anytime," ejaculated a foaming-at-the-mouth Trent Lott (R-MS) "And if he hates baseball, then he can feel free to watch cricket."
"I still think he's pretty hot," noted a blushing, erect Larry Craig (R-ID).
President Bush called Brownback's comments "highly disturbing," adding, "I don't even think the Mississippi River is in America," and also adding, "freedom, courage, resolve," and finally adding, "liberty, faith, and more resolve."
To his credit, Brownback did state at the end of the interview that he is "proud to be a United States senator." Although he then added, "I mean, it's okay. It pays well."