Written by Helena Handbasket
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Wednesday, 19 September 2007

image for Richardson, McCain Win UFO Straw Polls; Ron Paul, Kucinich Second
W. J. Kltpzyxm thinks his daughter-in-law Hillary Rotten Clinton will be elected despite placing third at the UFO Straw Poll.

19 Sep 07, WASHINGTON, DC, USNA-- The Paradigm Research Group announced results of its "UFO Straw Poll", open only to extraterrestrials, at the National Press Club Monday. Group members also lobbied to end the CIA's "truth embargo" against publicizing its 60-year human-extraterrestrial liaison program.

Among these nonresident aliens, the Reptilian party gave 42% to Sen. John McCain, citing his Navy experience and contrarian perspective on NASA, while Rep. Ron Paul received 18%. The Gray party awarded 69% to New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, who once worked for the CIA liaison program and later had executive jurisdiction over Roswell AFB. Rep. Dennis Kucinich, also highly knowledgeable about fastwalker affairs, received 17%; and President-Elect Hillary Rotten Clinton received 13%, despite the oratorical passion of prominent Gray lobbyist W. J. Kltpzyxm, her father-in-law.

However, another poll released at the event included independent extraterrestrials not allied with the main duopoly parties. It awarded Ron Paul a surprising 67% first-place finish, likely due to his volunteers' pioneering and trendsetting technique of producing campaign signs visible from space.

Some candidates commented to The Spoof. President-Elect Clinton's spokesperson Phil Singer promised she would publish a full paranormal platform as soon as the campaign could "check in with the mothership". Clinton reportedly completed her policy for interplanetary immigration as a term paper at the Hogwarts Adult Continuing Knowledge Laboratory for Education in Sorcery.

Dr. Paul has a commanding lead in straw polls from Sweden, Estonia, and Pakistan, according to WhoWouldTheWorldElect.com, but critics fault him for not campaigning extensively on Pluto, Ganymede, or Ceres. His Europe-but-not-Europa approach derives partly from his initial campaign reluctance and partly from his Constitutional foundations, said campaign manager Lew Moore. "This has never been more than a one-planet campaign from the start. Dr. Paul has often said that the Constitution accords rights only to humans, so he refuses to intervene in Martian affairs. Yet I've said before, he is always happy when unexpected support arises from volunteer grassroots."

Gov. Richardson was unreachable for comment, since he was aboard a Virgin Spaceship en route to Jupiter for the Jovian Grays Caucus, which opens later this week in the Great Red Spot.

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