Written by Helena Handbasket
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Wednesday, 19 September 2007

image for John Kerry a Casualty of Britney Spears Taser Accident
Britney Spears and Agent "Lindsay" stomp on the ashes of Andy Nar amidst a Thermite vaporization cloud. John Kerry looks on.

18 Sep 07, GAINESVILLE, FL, USNA-- Senator and presidential candidate John Fitzgerald Heinz-Kerry, Demon from Taxachusetts, was critically wounded during a University of Florida debate last afternoon, at which Britney Spears, in part-time employment with the Secret Service, engaged in an unannounced and unexpectedly morbid game of Taser Lag, while appropriately clad.

Kerry seemed disappointed that all other candidates had declined the invitations sent by earth-ray thought forces. Ron Paul claimed he had another debate in Florida that night, but Kerry could not understand why Dr. Paul did not simply spam himself into both debates simultaneously.

Student questioners proceeded normally, and Kerry appeared at ease, but with his finger frequently poised above an unobtrusive button on his podium. YouBube videos reveal that the process changed shortly after Andy Nar, 21, volunteered the following polite question: "Venomous dragon, when the accurst Skull and Bones minions purchased your dungheap of a soul, blood-bought spawn of Bush, from what spidery crevice of your bilious excuse for brains, goat of Azazel, wrought forth your complicity in his murderous amok?"

Kerry, a member of the Council on Foreign Relations, asked the question repeated.

However, video reveals that after Nar repeated, "Venomous dragon, when the--", his microphone abruptly went silent as Kerry's finger descended significantly onto his podium. Nar completed his question offmike, suddenly surrounded by thirty armed operatives from the Secret Service, the Delta Force, the Praetorian Guard, and the Park Police.

Kerry proceeded to answer, his obfuscation drowned out by the noise of Nar thrown to the ground by operatives, three at each limb, and immediately Taserred and arrested, to please the anagram buffs in Kerry's audience. After handcuffing and strip-searching to the tune of a prompt recitation of Miranda rights, the unclothed Nar was Taserred again, this time identifiably by Spears. He was rapidly gang-raped by various operatives (not, improvidentially, Spears) as Kerry entered the third allotted minute of his answer.

Nar was then lifted onto his feet, efficiently strapped on both sides with Thermite, and at the command "Pull it" from a black ops agent known only as "Larry", Nar mysteriously imploded into his own footprints. The ashes were dusted into a 6/66 Commission evidence envelope as agents cleared the stage. Five attorneys are bidding on rights to represent the ashes against charges of terrorism, inciting to riot, disturbing the peace, and exceeding allotted time.

A friend of Nar's, student Josh Goldman, reported that Nar had affirmed he would vote for Ron Paul in the Florida primary on January 29, but added, "The establishment's get-out-the-vote movements are now looking a bit more zealous this year."

The debate closed unexpectedly early, because the questioner queue seemed to have quietly disbanded. No one responded when Kerry asked for further questions.

Kerry closed the debate by reminding everyone to elect him president on November 2, 2004. The debate honoured the 220th anniversary of the Constitution for the United States of North America-- under colour of which the entire detainment lawfully transpired.

Kerry's wound arose from a paper cut sustained in the fracas. He entered hospital in critical condition, his fracas received prompt bandaging, and he pocketed another Purple Heart, as well as a decoy Purple Heart, which he immediately threw over the fence at the home of university president Bernie Machen at a 200-strong student protest today. Kerry explained that he voted for keeping the award after he voted against it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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