WASHINGTON D.C.: President Bush gave a press conference at the White House to announce that he was once again right. But even the President's dozens of remaining supporters were surprised by the basis for his claims of rightness this time.
Bush declared: "Now that I think about it, Iraq is EXACTLY like Vietnam! And not just because we're losing this one, too!" Bush explained, to riotous laughter. "The resemblance between them is uncanny. Like, I'm never going to fight in THIS war either..."
"Us neither!" chanted Dick Cheney, Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz, Andrew Card, and the entire rest of the President's Cabinet and staff.
"Yes, guys, I know. You all had other priorities. Like living!" laughed Bush. But then as now, we had the courage to risk other people's lives - especially people with excessive pigmentation and insufficient lineage to get legacied into Yale. Yes, I'm talking about The Troops, whose sacrifice will be in vain unless we kill a few thousand more of them.", said the president to thunderous applause.
"Now, when did we last hear that? During Vietnam! See? You could say it's like Deja Vu - except that if you actually DO say that, you'd be speaking French and that's now a crime under the USA Patriot Act!"
"So now I'm officially changing the name of the Iraq War. No longer is it "Operation Utterly Necessary Non-Quaqmire". Its new name is "Vietnam II: The Sequel"! After all, Vietnam was the war that America kept right on winning for nine straight years, and would still be winning today if it hadn't been for all those commie traitors at Woodstock. And Iraq, uh, I mean Vietnam II, is going equally well. That is obvious to everyone. Thank you and God Bless America."
In his testimony to Congress, General David Petraeus agreed: "Now that you mention it, the Iraqis ARE like Vietnamese. They're little and brown. And they speak this weird gibberish language that sounds like a horse farting. You'd think that after we liberated their country from, uh, themselves they'd have the gratitude to speak English. But no! So I've ordered that the Iraqis are now called 'gooks'. At least the friendly Iraqis, meaning the ones who smile politely while we're holding their families at gunpoint. The enemy Iraqis are called 'Charlie'. How do you tell the friendlies from the enemies? If it's Iraqi, and it's dead, it was an enemy. Same as in Vietnam 1."
The troops are enthusiastic over the name change. Corporal Lance Boil says, "Vietnam II is great! Now we get to set the gooks' huts on fire, and shoot 'em as they try to escape. And when we kill them, they were Al Quaeda, uh, I mean Viet Cong anyway. Even the babies. If they weren't, how come they didn't deny it? HA! And the best part is, we get to call it 'destroying the village in order to save it.' How cool is that?"
"And I just fragged me my platoon leader, Lt. Fugger. Fuckin' West Point prick, he had it coming." added Private Clem Whitetrash. "Used an IED on him, too, so it looks just like Charlie did it. God, I can't wait to get back to 'The World' so's I can have some hippie chick in the San Francisco airport spit on me and call me a baby killer!"
Sgt. Dan Pantload corrected him: "Not so fast, Clem. You're not going back. You've just been 'stop-lossed' - that means even after your enlistment is over, the Army can keep you in for life. That's ONE way is which Vietnam II is different from Vietnam I!"
"That sucks." said Clem, in a short paragraph.
"Sure does. But look on the bright side. You still get all the little brown tail you want, and afterward kill the bitches, say they were insurgents, and no questions asked. Plus we can get Afghani dope here, uncut, it's way more primo than Columbian. Now let's go 'liberate' some more Iraqis from the burden of living, heh heh!"
Finally, to make the spirit of nostalgia complete, Jane Fonda wandered in while on her quest to find some surviving Communists, anywhere, that she could give aid and comfort to. "I was supposed to get photographed sitting on an anti-aircraft gun, but the Iraqis don't have any." Hanoi Jane fumed. "No guns, no tanks, no planes - so exactly what am I supposed to sit on?"
"Sit on THIS, bitch!" replied well-endowed Sergeant Leroy "Bubba" Washington, while dropping his camouflage pants to his ankles to reveal his - uh, lack of underwear. Riotous laughter arose from the troops as Jane squealed and fled while feebly pretending not to look.
But then reality came crashing in when Captain Ben Dover said, "Bubba, do you know how politically incorrect that was? It's called sexual harassment. And you just blew your chances of ever being a Supreme Court justice." A hush fell over the troops as they realized that for all the retro feel of Vietnam II, you really can't go home again. And this was a very different time and place, in which they, and America, had lost their innocence.
Still, nobody could take away the memories - of when the world was young, and they were young with it.