Aspiring political candidate Warren Redlich was allegedly seen masturbating in a men's room at the Tailgate Tavern in Guilderland, NY, according to an undercover policeman who arrested Redlich.
"I saw Redlich stroke his penis several times", said Sergeant John Macarthur, the only undercover officer in Guilderland.
"I was not masturbating, I was just taking a piss", Redlich countered. "I always stroke my penis after I piss. Every guy does. It's called 'shaking down'".
"He stroked it seven times", Macarthur declared. "Three times is the legal limit. Any more than that and it's considered masturbating. Check the Guilderland bylaws chapter 75, article 3, subparagraph 2."
The Spoof managed to obtain a copy of the Guilderland Bylaws and confirmed that chapter 75, article 3, subparagraph 2 reads "men shalt not stoketh thine wand over thrice for it displeases the almighty". The law was written by Puritans in 1672 and is still on the books.
Redlich, a personal injury attorney who is running for the board of Guilderland, claims that the arrest was merely a smear campaign by his former friend but now bitter political rival Michael Ricard.
"Ricard had all the cops in town in his back pocket and he's trying to smear my good name", Redlich said defiantly.