Larry Craig, who has successfully transformed from unknown Republican Senator to the most famous gay toilet sex figure in history, has made a statement that he will withdraw his guilty plea and continue to fight his case until the end of the war in Iraq, or the end of time, whichever "cums" first.
"I never had sex-yul relations with that man, Mr. Karsnia... There is no semen stained dress... I did not drain my nuts... There was no pleasure, so I did nothing wrong." All among favorite statements of the Senator that have become as familiar as "where's the beef" to the average TV viewer.
A high source inside the Republican party said that Craig did not make this decision alone. It is part of a larger plan to keep Craig, who has become the very face of gay toilet sex in America, in the news until the next election, making it a hotter topic than abortion and gay marriage combined. The Republican strategy is that if pompous Republican moralists are misconstrued for doing it, real toilet sex must be at epidemic levels among liberals, and therefore a threat to the family.
A cable station based in Idahomo, Idaho has plans for a 24-hour channel that will dramatize the threats to society posed by actual toilet sex versus innocent behavior of the type exemplified by Mr. Craig. Different situations will be dramatized in each episode, followed by panel discussions, and call-in voting, "a sort of CSI meets American Idol," a spokesperson for the station explained.
The debut episode will feature a never-seen-on-TV dramatization where an undercover officer enters a restroom to see one man inserting a potato in the anus of another, in which the viewer will be left to decide whether this is a lewd act, or an act of a decent God-fearing Idahoan who merely wanted to warm his potato in another man's love chute.
Like gay marriage before it, Republicans clearly can't get enough of gay toilet sex, and they see Larry Craig as their champion.