5 Sep 07, HOGSMEADE, UK, EU-- Two presidential candidates are among enrollees at prestigious Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this term, said registrar Minerva McGonagall. President-Elect Hillary Rotten Clinton and Senator Barack Hussein Obama both received admission upon sterling recommendation letters from illustrious alumnus and accomplished magician Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, who praised Clinton as a "blond witch" and lauded Obama as a "magic Negro".
Both senators independently reported that their current and expected job duties, whether as senator, candidate, or president, were lax enough to justify adding full-time extension courses to their schedules. Day classes began yesterday for both sorcery students at the Hogwarts Adult Continuing Knowledge Laboratory for Education in Sorcery, known to attendees as "Hackles".
This branch of the antiquated institution, founded in Washington, DC, USNA, in the early 19th century, has long remained an important contributor to the region's reputation as "Middle America's most haunted city". The only serious competitor for the Hogwarts antiquity and prestige is the oft-imitated self-paced miracles course offered by the Kingdom of Heaven, a home-based accreditation programme founded on thoroughly different but related supernature traditions of Mideastern origin. The miracle campaign of Congressman Ron Paul is reportedly a doctoral thesis for the Kingdom.
Both Hogwarts entrants distinguished themselves at a preview weekend at the main campus near Hogsmeade last month. On the famed Quidditch field, the president-elect demonstrated advanced skills at maneouvring with a thick broomstick between her legs, which nicely complemented her tasteful pantsuit. The other senator showed his incantatorial prowess by reciting, at will, mile-long Latin passages that cast a sleep spell over an audience of thousands within minutes. Several admissions staff commented that Obama has unquestionable gifts in "black magic".
Obama's acceptance earned praises from Rev. Louis Farrakhan and Rev. Al Sharpton, both of whom were dropouts of the Hackles division of Hogwarts, but had permission to retain their magic wands. Farrakhan now practices a peculiar ensorcellment style that mixes the revered Anglo-Saxon traditions with the proprietary voodoo of the Caribbean guilds, while Sharpton claims to have come by his enchantment abilities independently. The first African-American graduate of Hackles, Gen. Colin Powell, had no comment on Obama's admission.
Obama expressed an interest in majoring in Alchemy so that he could better and more regularly transmute himself. Clinton will major in Potions so as to better advise the pharmaceutical industry when her administration socializes medicine. She is also pursuing a minor in Charms, simple spells like the hundredfold multiplication of cattle futures. In fact, Clinton's extant magic tricks have already earned her such esteemed titles as the Witch of Eastwick, the White Witch, and the Wicked Witch of the East. (The current Wicked Witch of the West is now Clinton's ex-aunt-in-law, Sen. Barbara Boxer.)
Daniel Radcliffe, the title star in the early life story of Harry Potter, Hogwarts's current most famed attendee, remarked, "Ooh-- I'm so jealous of Hillary! I never get to use these props for real." During the film series, shot on location at Hogwarts as much as practicable, Radcliffe faces strict prohibitions against attempting magic on the set. As a confirmed Muggle with no demonstrable magical skills, Radcliffe reports he constantly encounters such sore spots in his multiyear contract. Potter himself, a frequent and welcome informant for The Spoof, was unreachable for comment before presstime. For some reason his phone number simultaneously vanished from our memory, address book, and global database. British Telecom reports the same problem.