Former White House loon Donald Rumsfeld has admitted to trying to crush "Jerry Maguire" actress Rene Zellweger, between a bookcase and wall.
"I don't know what came over me", admitted the 75 year old, "something in me just clicked. Her rosy cheeks reminded me of apples which, logically lead me to think of terrorist activities. Now that just made my blood boil".
Rumsfeld, a legendary b*stard and village idiot, has been very quite of late. Almost too quite. Rumors were starting to circulate that he was secretly organising an attack on some unfortunate fools in Pakistan just before the Zellweger-Gate story broke.
"I'm a b*stard. You know it and I know it", spoke Rumsfeld from his mountain lair, "I'm kinda like a modern day King Midas. Except everything I touch turns to sh*t..."
Mr. Rumsfeld has apologised to Zellweger.